


stop killing kids 2k16

by bruxism



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Asexual character(s), Chatting & Messaging, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Memes, Off Hiatus, Oikawa is trash, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, Skype calls, Skype chat, Texting, asexual!kenma, grey-asexual character(s), group messaging, platonic oiyama, shrek/akaashi, this fic is yamaguchi centered becuz he's the love of my life, video calls, yamaken rarepair
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 17:25:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7183214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bruxism/pseuds/bruxism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi just wanted tips on his serves from Oikawa. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>aliens exist: IF THIS CHILD PEES ON ME ONE MORE TIME<br/>aliens exist: GODDAMMIT<br/>aliens exist: [inserting one image file]<br/>yahaba-s: senpai I am very concerned, please do not drop the child out the window.<br/>owlkaashi: you are a horrible man.<br/>chicken meme: lol do it from the top floor</p>
<p> </p>
<p>in which oikawa hates children, yamaguchi deals with his not-as-secret-as-he-believes crush, yahaba is there to watch everything burn, akaashi Regrets™, kenma is surprisingly very funny and meme-like on the internet, and yachi just wants to buy a few dogs and live in peace with kiyoko-senpai. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>(or; oikawa is an asshole and adds them all into a group chat.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. yamaguchi's adventure at becoming oikawa's friend

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [rip hinata shouyou](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6713863) by [greenfelix (literallyepsilon)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/literallyepsilon/pseuds/greenfelix). 
  * Inspired by [national hot dad alliance is now calling...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5663683) by [dicaeopolis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dicaeopolis/pseuds/dicaeopolis), [owlinaminor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlinaminor/pseuds/owlinaminor). 
  * Inspired by [Rated PG For Pretty Gay](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6851113) by [Siduki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siduki/pseuds/Siduki). 



> hi it may suck but you know what i suck 420 dicks a day and i assure you that this fic hopefully wont suck that much
> 
> pls read this story 
> 
> dedicated to bry.
> 
> this was inspired by three specific works (i only used one of them in the inspired by thing becuz i dont know HOW to make it more than one!!!!! update: now i do but im too lazy to. update update: i did it be proud of me)- 
> 
> National Hot Dad Alliance Is Now Calling... by dicaeopolis and OwlinAMinor
> 
> Rated PG For Pretty Gay by Siduki
> 
> rip hinata shouyou by greenfelix
> 
> yall fics are the best i hope mine is as good as yours one day.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yamaguchi begins to talk to oikawa.

May 1, 2016 

 

6:14 PM/18:14

 **sweet potato:** um...is this oikawa-senpai?? daichi-san gave me your skype because i wanted to ask you about your serve, and for tips on my own...if that’s okay...

 **aliens exist:** who is this

 **sweet potato:** oH MY GOD I'M SORRY I FORGOT TO INTRODUCE MYSELF I'M YAMAGUCHI TADASHI AND PLEASE DON'T HATE ME I JUST WANNA BE A GODO SERVER LIKE YOU

 **aliens exist:** oh~ the karasuno pinch server! youre a cute kid. yeah i’ll give u some tips!

 **sweet potato:** uh, thank you very much oikawa-senpai! you won't regret it!!!

 **aliens exist:** i hope ur right tbh bc i'm putting off watching attack on titan to help you

 **sweet potato:** I’M VERY SORRY I’LL MAKE THIS WORTH YOUR WHILE!!!!

 **aliens exist:** what a cutie~ (o´ω｀o) i just wanna kiss ur cheeks, youre so adorably determined!!

 **sweet potato:** uhhh, thank you oikawa-senpai?? I think?

 **aliens exist:** dont worry bubba it was a compliment

 **sweet potato:** oh okay thanks then!!

[cut for boringness of oikawa giving yamaguchi a few tips]

 **aliens exist:** and so you see, yama-chan, that’s why it’s better to step out with your left foot, elbows tucked in when you go into jump!!!

 **sweet potato:** thank you so much oikawa-senpai!!!

 **aliens exist:** not a problem, yama-chan! youre cuter than armin, so i had fun teaching you!

 **aliens exist:** now compliment my teaching skills, yama-chan! ＼(●~▽~●)

 **sweet potato:** uh, you’re a very good teacher, oikawa-senpai!! I learned a lot from you today! I’m sure this’ll help me

 **aliens exist:** i'm the best, aren’t I? flatter me, yama-chan !

 **sweet potato:** uhh yeah sure

 **aliens exist:** now i have to go and do homework, but we can talk tomorrow~ see ya yama-chan ＼(*^▽^*)/

 **sweet potato:** oh yeah see ya oikawa-senpai!!!

 

May 2, 2016

 

11:08 PM/23:08

 **aliens exist:** yaam-chhan, arre you awarke?

 **sweet potato:** um yes?? Oikawa-senpai whats wrong??? are you ok??

 **aliens exist:** yAMACHAN ME AND IWACHAN GPT INTO A FIGGHT AND I'M SAD

 **sweet potato:** um, what did you guys fight about? what’s the main reason youre sad? is it because you fought or did he say something??

 **sweet potato:** oikawa-senpai?

 **sweet potato:** are u there????

 **aliens exist:** sorry yama-chan~! I’m fine now! iwa-chan apologized! ヽ(^◇^*)/ now go to bed!! Young kouhai needs sleep!!

 **sweet potato:** oh okay!! im glad u feel better, I’ll talk to you soon

 **sweet potato:** and uhh, you go to bed too!

 **aliens exist:** yeah, yeah, whatevs!! see ya, yama-chan! (o´ω｀o)

 

May 6, 2016

 

10:58 AM/10:58

 **aliens exist:** yama-chan do u believe in aliens

 **aliens exist:** pplese

 **aliens exist:** i need u to say yes to prove it to iwa-chan

 **aliens exist:** tHAT I'M NOT THE ONLY BELIEVER

 **aliens exist:** ppLESAE YAMACHAN I KNOW ITA SCHOOL HOURS BUT I NEED YOU TO I HAVE FIVe min tues befroe he gets to pour water down my ppatns if no one agrees with me

 **sweet potato:** OMG

 **sweet potato:** yES I BELIEVE IN ALIENS

 **sweet potato:** ALIENS ARE REAL

 **sweet potato:** I'M SORRY I DIDN'T SEE THIS EARLIER ARE YOU OK

 **aliens exist:** oh thank goodness yamachan!!! I almost lost the bet!

 **aliens exist:** thank you very much~ ヽ(〃＾▽＾〃)ﾉ

 **sweet potato:** glad I could help! but i gotta go now, have to write math notes…. Talk to you lateedfgrojidgev

 **aliens exist:** yama-chan??

 **aliens exist:** yAMA-CHAN DID U GET CAUGHT I'M SO SORRY (*´д｀*) FORGIVE ME

 **sweet potato:** Is this the annoying setter from Seijou?

 **aliens exist:** aNNOYING? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU??

 **sweet potato:** Someone who knows Yamaguchi more than you.

 **sweet potato:** I suggest you cease texting Yamaguchi in class. He almost got caught because of you. Luckily, I took his phone before the teacher seen it.

 **aliens exist:** llok here,,, yama-chan is one of my best friends! he loves me! (╹◡╹)凸 now take your jealousy somewhere else and scram

 **sweet potato:** Considering I’ve been Yamaguchi’s best friend for several years, you sound like an idiot. I am not jealous, I quite frankly have nothing to be jealous over, and you sound as stupid as Hinata with your baseless accusations and statements.

 **sweet potato:** And I honestly doubt that Yamaguchi loves you.

 **aliens exist:** meet up at sakura park garden today at 4:30 and I’ll beat your ass! ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

 **sweet potato:** No thanks.

 **sweet potato:** Bye now, Oikawa-senpai. Have a nice day.

 **sweet potato:** OMG OIKAWASENPAI I'M SO SORRY THAT WWAS TSUKKI HES A BIT OF A BAD EGG DON'T BE INSULTEDO R OFENDED

 **aliens exist:** do u love me, yama-chan?

 **sweet potato:** well uh, I just met you so uh

 **aliens exist:** I see ಥ_ಥ

 **sweet potato:** bUT I DO THINK YOURE A VERY NICE PERSON AND SOMEONE I WOULD LOVE TO BE BETTER FRIENDS WITH

 **sweet potato:** pls don't hate me or leave it’s just hard for me to love ppl bc i'm kinda closed off

 **aliens exist:** yama-chan, your lucky your so cute! (●´ω｀●)

 **sweet potato:** *you’re, *you’re

 **aliens exist:** nvm i take it back

 **sweet potato:** nO I'M SIRRY OIKAWA-SENPIA THAT WAS DISRESPECTIFL OF ME I APOLOFZE I'M SORRTY

 **sweet potato:** i WONY EVER COREDCT YOU AGAIN OM SORRRY

 **aliens exist:** u apologize alot, yama-chan

 **sweet potato:** yeah my therapist said its bc my anxiety and when i yhink i offend someone i'm not super close to i kind of panic a lot and keep apologizing bcus i don't wnna see mrude

 **sweet potato:** my cousin is like this as well

 **sweet potato:** but yeah sorry

 **aliens exist:** well then yama-chan, i guess u’ll jsu t have to get closer to me

 **sweet potato:** does this mean we’re friends?? like more than acquaintances!!! thank u oikawa-senpai I won't let u down!!!

 **aliens exist:** I thought we were already friends, yama-chan :(

 **aliens exist:** and you won't be letting me down~!

 **sweet potato:** ty oikawa senpai but I have to go now and to get to art class!! I'll talk to u later!!

 **aliens exist:** okay bye yama-chan (“3”)

 **sweet potato:** srry if this is rude oikawa-san but thats a shitty emoji

 **aliens exist:** !!! :( its because i didn;t copy paste it!!

 **sweet potato:** i thought so bc ur usual emoticons are like 10/10

 **aliens exist:** ty! I work hard to find the right ones! ≧◡≦

 **sweet potato:** well bye now oikawa-senpai!!

 **aliens exist:** see ya yamachan~!

 

May 7, 2016

 

12:02 PM/12:02

 **sweet potato:** hey…oikawa-senpai… if i asked u a question, would u respond honestly?

 **aliens exist:** of course yama-chan!! what’s wrong? ‘︿’

 **sweet potato:** is it wrong to like both boys and girls? to be bisexual and to not be able to “choose”?

 **aliens exist:** alright who told you that shit

 **aliens exist:** i'm pISSED

 **aliens exist:** what’s their name i'm gonna sic my fangirls on them over fb

 **aliens exist:** ur perfect the way u r yama-chan and its perfectly ok to be bisexual!!!

 **sweet potato:** oikawa-senpai, thank u!!!

 **sweet potato:** also it was my older brother…. he’s already graduated college and lives somewhere in kyoto, but he visited with his gf and they both kind of made me feel like shit for liking both genders… i guess i'm over it now because ur words, so thank u oikawa-senpai!! ヽ( ´ ∇ ｀ )ノ

 **aliens exist:** yAMA-CHAN DID YOU HJUST USE AN EMOTICON THIS IS HTE BEST DAY OF MY LIIFE

 **aliens exist:** also what’s ur brother and his girlfriend’s names? I need them for purely innocent reasons

 **sweet potato:** oikawa-senpai cyberbullying them isnt the answer

 **aliens exist:** what?? who said **_I_ ** would cyberbully them?!

 **aliens exist:** now come on yama-chan hand their names over i'm waiting╰(◡‿◡✿╰)

 **sweet potato:** no

 **sweet potato:** fudanshi will somehwo figureout i told someone wjat he said and then he’ll call me and yell at me

 **aliens exist:** thank u for the name tadashi-chan~

 **aliens exist:** and dw i got this he won't ever figure out u told any1

 **sweet potato:** tadashi-chan??

 **sweet potato:** r we on tht level of friendship alredy oikawa-senpai??

 **sweet potato:** not that u cant call me that!!! just wondering!!

 **aliens exist:** ur so cute yama-chan u make me wana eat u up (ﾟヮﾟ) and i'm gonna be switchign between names bc its funner!

 **sweet potato:** thnk u oikawa-senpai i think also okay!!

 **aliens exist:** dw it was a compliment tada-chan!!! mwah (o´ω｀o)

 **aliens exist:** now i have to go, teaching some kids the volleyball basics~! wish me luck!!

 **sweet potato:** good luck oikawa-senpai!

 

[two hours later]

 

 **aliens exist:** rOTTEN SNOT NOSED BRATS I SWEAR TO FUCK I'M OGING TO KILL THEM

 **aliens exist:** frist they tAKE MY BAG

 **aliens exist:** EPMTY IT OUT

 **aliens exist:** THROW M  YHOUSE KEYS SOMEWHER

 **aliens exist:** OPEN UP AND DUUMP ALL OF MY ENERGY DRINKS

 **aliens exist:** AND THEN THEY OPN MY WALET AND PUT THEIR STIKY AND GROSS AND DISGUSTING KID HANDS ON MY PICTURE OF IWA-CHAN

 **aliens exist:** I’M GONNA KILL THEM

 **aliens exist:** I'M GNNA TEAR THEM LIMB BY LIMBB UNTIL THEYRE SECREAMING IN PAIN

 **aliens exist:** AND THEN I'M GONNA LAUGH

 **aliens exist:** and you know what the best part is gonna be

 **aliens exist:** i'm gna get ti se ethem cRY

 **aliens exist:** i'm gonna break them

 **aliens exist:** but i have 2 do this next weak because my shift w/ them is over

 **sweet potato:** o my ogd i'm so sorry waht happened please odnt kil the children oikawa-senpai

 **aliens exist:** jsut you tRY AND STOP ME

 **sweet potato:** you can't play volleybllal cpmepetetively in jail

 **aliens exist:** wh o the f u c k cares

 **sweet potato:** yuo

 **sweet potato:** i thnik

 **sweet potato:** but plz oikawa-ssenpai dont kill the children

 **aliens exist:** but tada-chan they are revoltign vile CREATUTES THAT NEED TO NE DESTEYOROYED

 **sweet potato:** theyre just kids

 **aliens exist:** ya well theyre demonic

 **sweet potato:** just make them train rlly hard or passive aggressively hurt their feelings

 **sweet potato:** im kidna woreidnd about you oikawa-senpai because ur being more blood thirnsty thatn normal ans youre not being ur usual charmin self amd tis kidna making me spazz and tryype bad

 **aliens exist:** sighhhh

 **aliens exist:** your right yama-chan i nede to xalm down

 **sweet potato:** deep breaths

 **sweet potato:** just imagine how heartbroken the kids’s parents would be if they found their children murdered

 **aliens exist:** sotp yuore makeing me fele guilty

 **sweet potato:** oh sorry!

 **sweet potato:** have u founde everytihng they took from u yet?

 **aliens exist:** no im stil lookign form my kets

 **sweet potato:** check in bushes if htheres any there??

 **aliens exist:** good thinking tada-chan!!

 

 **aliens exist:** ty yama-chan~! Its been 20 mins btu i found them!

 **sweet potato:** ah, i'm glad oikawa-senpai!

 **sweet potato:** but if i can ask, why r u teacching kids volleyball??

 **aliens exist:** becuz! they’re gonna learn to adore me! nd ill have an arnmy one day! to get back at iwa-cahn for using all my money on his stupid godzilla merch!!!

 **sweet potato:** one time i took tsukkis money and bought 2000 yen worth of gumballs

 **sweet potato:** he sitill thingks it was his brother

 **aliens exist:** yAMA-CHAN YOU SLy litle sneak i am a proud dad

 **sweet potato:** but i still feel guilty about it!!!! what if he finds out and gives me The Look™ oh god id feel ashamed and want to die because only people who royally piss him off get that look! and ive only gotten it a few times!!!

 **aliens exist:** arent u dating him tho

 **sweet potato:** wAHT I NO

 **aliens exist:** wsit what i thouhgt u were boning him

 **sweet potato:** NO NO IM NOT DATINF TSUKKI HESMY BESDT FRIEND AND HES DATINF KUROOSAN

 **aliens exist:** ok,,,, that sounds fake but ok,,,,

 **sweet potato:** OIKAWA-SENPAI I CNAT BELIVE YOU

 **sweet potato:** and besidess, i like sm1 else……

 **aliens exist:** tadashi-chan i am flattered but my heart belongs to iwa-chan

 **sweet potato:** oiKAWA-SENPAI YOU ARE CAUSING ME SEN-PAIN ITS NOT YOU

 **sweet potato:** he is a setter though

 **aliens exist:** can we play the guessing game?!?!

 **sweet potato:** no

 **aliens exist:** aww! (◕︵◕) ur no fun!

 **sweet potato:** im still not telkihn

 **aliens exist:** but we’re suppsoed to be best friends yamachan don't you trusr me???

 **sweet potato:** well ya but what if someone reads these messages? then theyll knw and i don't want anyone to knw because the guy i like probably doesn't even knwo i exist….

 **aliens exist:** i know! then we video call!

 **sweet potato:** okay! when do u wanna??

 **aliens exist:** i’ll call u in ten mins okay~?

 **sweet potato:** yeah yeah sure!

 

[incoming call from aliens exist]

[Call accepted.]

 

Yamaguchi turned on his camera and audio as he saw Oikawa, with earbuds in and probably walking into his room or house, using Skype on his phone. “Yama-chaaaan! It’s so good to see your face!” Oikawa said cheerfully as he closed his door. The camera blurred a bit before becoming clear again and showing Oikawa’s face.

 

“H-Hello, Oikawa-senpa-” Yamaguchi began to say, slightly nervous, but Oikawa interrupted him before he could finish.

 

“Nuh-uh. Nope. No. You are not gonna be stiff around me- and no, I don’t mean inside your pants, Yama-chan-, you’re going to be relaxed, okay? We’re super best friends so you have to be yourself around me!” Oikawa declared, his chest puffing up like a cat’s would as he held up a determined thumbs up to Yamaguchi.

 

Yamaguchi laughed, his eyes closing from the force of it. He couldn’t really help it, though- ever since he was little, he had laughed when he was nervous to get the butterflies away, and although he couldn't laugh in a bully’s face because he was terrified and about to piss his pants (also he’d get the shit beat out of him and maybe his throat would be destroyed so he wouldn’t be able to laugh), he figured Oikawa would relish in having someone think he was amusing.

 

And he was right. Oikawa got a prideful look on his face, and ran his fingers through his meticulously styled hair with a smirk. Yamaguchi kind of thought that Oikawa would be saying something along the lines of ‘laugh it up, yama-chan! flatter me!’ in his mind.

 

“Alright, Oikawa-senpai,” Yamaguchi said, his laughter having died down. Oikawa smiled, and it was a smile that looked like a playful type of viciously determined.

 

“Now, Yama-chan, who’s your crush?!” He blurted out excitedly. Yamaguchi sighed from his position in his desk chair, and contemplated closing the laptop like a wuss and going to bed (at like, 3:30 pm), but ultimately decided that he should tell Oikawa, lest he accidentally leave the older boy so curious that he shows up at Karasuno and loudly demands to know who his setter crush is and makes Kageyama think it’s him, or maybe even Sugawara, and-

 

“Uh,” He replies. “Uh.”

 

“C’mon, c’mon, Yama-chan! You can say it!” Oikawa encouraged him. From what Yamaguchi could see, Oikawa was clutching his fists and doing the whole ‘raise them up and down’ thing that people usually do when cheering people on at sports games.

 

But hey, it was Oikawa, and he does stuff like this all the time (from what Kageyama’s let slip about Kitagawa Daiichi). And Yamaguchi kind of needed the encouragement.

 

“It’s Kozume-san from Nekoma!” He blurted out in a rush, bringing his hands up to his face to slap his reddening cheeks. He tried in vain to cover his blush, but Oikawa still apparently seen it and cooed softly at him.

 

“That’s so cute, Yama-chan!” Oikawa said to him, and Yamaguchi really felt like he’d take drowning in the bathtub over this conversation. Maybe with a bath bomb, too. Better to go out smelling good than like his stupid men’s body wash that his mom buys.

 

It was silent in the call as Yamaguchi collected himself and contemplated drowning, until Oikawa broke it with a devious smirk.

 

“So, you and Kozume, huh?” He said, his eyes glinting with mischief.

 

Yamaguchi groaned, smacking his forehead on the desk. Then he lifted his head up from the desk because it kind of hurt, and from what he knows about Oikawa, the older boy always wanted people to pay full attention to him when they were talking. “No,” he groaned out, “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know my name. And that he likes Hinata. I think.”

 

“Huh? What’s Shrimpy-chan have to do with this?” Oikawa asked, confusion written on his face. Yamaguchi pondered the phrase ‘written on his face’ and then imagined writing confusion all over his face while Oikawa was sleeping and flying away into the night like the true crow he is.

 

“I’m pretty sure they’re both like, best friends or something.” Yamaguchi replied, sounding awfully nonchalant when basically informing someone that there was about no chance for him and his crush to date.

 

Oikawa gave him an unimpressed look, with his eyebrows raised and lips pursed. Yamaguchi thought that that was probably the look that Iwaizumi received when he tried to deny his gayness.

 

“So? Shrimpy-chan is fucking Tobio-chan, and they’re best friends- wait, no, that’s not what I meant to say.” Oikawa shook his head to clear it. “What I mean, is, that even if he _does_ like Shrimpy-chan, he has no chance with him, so if the times comes when Kozume gets rejected, you can dart in and sweep him off his feet and become his knight in shining armor!” Oikawa nodded his head once, as if to reassure himself he didn't cock up again, and then sent a dazzling smile to Yamaguchi.

 

“But then I’ll feel guilty and like I’m manipulating him!” Yamaguchi cried out. He didn't want to feel any more guilt. The 37 gumballs in his dresser drawer reminded him of his feelings every time he went to get his sketchbook.

 

Oikawa frowned, looking deep in thought, but then his eyes sparkled and he held up his pointer finger. “I’ve got it! Then you just have to make Kozume fall in love with you!” He said, as if that solved everything.

 

Yamaguchi gave him his own The Look™, and Oikawa scowled when he saw the familiar purse of lips and furrowed brows.

 

“You can’t copy my facial expressions!” Oikawa cried out. Yamaguchi sighed, relaxing his face.

 

“But really, how do I date him?” Yamaguchi whined, leaning his head down onto his outstretched arm, staring at the computer screen. He watched it blur for a few seconds, then become clear again as Oikawa stopped moving around.

 

“Hang on, Yama-chan, just one moment.” Oikawa said, his voice distracted. Yamaguchi made a humming sound to say ‘okay’.

 

“Aha!” Oikawa yelled, victory evident in his voice. His face appeared back on the screen, with a victorious smile on his face. He held up a pink, sparkly notebook.

 

Across the cover was written (in blue sparkly pen) ‘How to seduce someone’.

 

Yamaguchi decided on the Dragon’s Egg bath bomb to drown himself in.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me how ooc they are and i'll tell u thank u for informing me i'll try to make them more in character
> 
> memes will come soon


	2. "did i really just say that to kageyama oh fUCK" or,,, yamaguchi has no filter at the worst of times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a CONTINUATION of the last chapter; yahaba is introduced; yamaguchi needs to stop feeling guilt over the gumballs; kageyama gets roasted a bit too much; i'm pretty sure kuroo and tsukishima had sex in hinata's kitchen; time is an illusion, never go to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u dont comment/bookmark/kudos/subscribe im never updating again 
> 
> lol just kidding
> 
> [no im not im a thirsty bitch for feedback]
> 
> pls

May 7, 2016

 

4:43 PM/16:43

 **sweet potato:** hi srry for hanging up tsukki cme over and mt mom called me down

 **sweet potato:** and hse kinda hates u so

 **aliens exist:** its fine, yama-chan~

 **aliens exist:** yama-chan i’ll mail u the book~!

 **sweet potato:** its ok oikawa-senpai really i dont need it

 **aliens exist:** then how r u gonna get kozumw 2 love u

 **sweet potato:** bribery

 **sweet potato:** alSO DON'T SAY HIS NAME

 **aliens exist:** o rite sorry

 **sweet potato:** okay

 **aliens exist:** or maybe i’ll just hand deliver it, hm~

 **sweet potato:** please don’t

 **aliens exist:** cant stop me (✿◠‿◠)

 **sweet potato:** oikawa-senpai

 **aliens exist:** yes yama-chan?

 **sweet potato:** im pretty sure that i won't seduce K by ‘fluttering my eyelashes and laughing at everything they say’.

 **sweet potato:** K jsut doesn't seem liket hat kind of person

 **aliens exist:** is this necoming a love chat

 **aliens exist:** wher we talk about crushes

 **sweet potato:** uh

 **sweet potato:** no? yes? idk if u want to talk about iwaizumi-senpai then im not holdin u back but i dnt tihnk u have to ask me becuz we’re friends and ill listen to u

 **aliens exist:** its nto for me yama-chan~!

 **aliens exist:** here can mke a groupc hat with a nother friend??

 **sweet potato:** uhh….

 **sweet potato:** sure i guess

 **aliens exist:** thnk u yama-chan u wont regret it!!!

 

[aliens exist has added yahaba-s and sweet potato to the chat]

 **yahaba-s:** oikawa-senpai…?

 **yahaba-s:** why am I in this?

 **aliens exist:** becUse you ned love advixe

 **sweet potato:** oikawa-senpai wheres he gonan get hte advice from

 **aliens exist:** the book ,of course

 **sweet potato:** …

 **sweet potato:** i hate tp break ut to u oikawa-senpai but i don't think the book wil help

 **yahaba-s:** what book?

 **aliens exist:** the book i used to seduce iwa-cahn

 **yahaba-s:** but didn’t he only begin to date you because of a dare?

 **aliens exist:** fuck u yahaba-chan

 **aliens exist:** bt yes

 **aliens exist:** btut he likeds me boerfre we started dating beuase the tricks and tipss i wrote in the bok were used by me to get him to fall n love with me and int worked dindit it

 **aliens exist:** it worksed dont test me

 **aliens exist:** im the king

 **aliens exist:** bow down to me i am ur ruler

 **sweet potato:** shhhh oikawa-senpai

 **sweet potato:** also oikawa-senpai who is htis

 **yahaba-s:** I’m yahaba shigeru. who are you?

 **sweet potato:** oh hello senpai i'm yamaguchi tadashi

 **aliens exist:** oh lok k at u yamachan ur so confident while u typee (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ it makes me hapy

 **sweet potato:** i may seem conifidednt online but in reality i'm getting ready to shove blueberriest in my mouth to stop frorm screming

 **sweet potato:** also ur presence helpss so

 **aliens exist:** oH YMAAM-CHAN YYU FLATTER ME I'M TOUCHED

 **yahaba-s:** okay oikawa-senpai is this kid the reason your grades have dropped?

 **yahaba-s:** because you’re always on your phone talking to him.

 **aliens exist:** um how about you shut the hell your mouth sweaty :) my grades have nothing to do with yama-chan

 **yahaba-s:** well your grades obviously aren’t dropping because iwaizumi-senpai; he’s blatantly stated that you and him haven’t had sex in two weeks. something about how prissy you are at school that makes him angry.

 **yahaba-s:** or hmm, maybe that is why. you might just be sexually frustrated.

 **sweet potato:** ohm y god what is happenning are you getinng roasted oikawa-senpai

 **aliens exist:** yAMA-CHAN YOUURE SUPPOESED TO BE ON MY SIDE

 **aliens exist:** and yahaBA-KUN say hello to double training

 **yahaba-s:** i’ll tell on you to the coach for handing out unfair punishment.

 **aliens exist** : how about you Dont be a pissbaby and u take ur punishment (✿╹◡╹)

 **sweet potato:** oikawa-senpai yahaba-senpai pllease don't fight or roast each other because then i'm gonnag et in to moode to roast and im gonna set tsukki on fire and he’ll ignre me for a coupel days

 **sweet potato:** so i ask u out of hte gooodness of ur hearts to nt fight

 **yahaba-s:** tough luck kouhai but oikawa-senpai needs to get his grades up or he’ll be benched for the next game.

 **sweet potato:** oIKAWA-SENP;AI YOU BETTER GET OOYURE GRADES UPP ORU I'M NOT GONNA TALJ TO YOU FOR THREE WEEKS

 **aliens exist:** i cant bELIVE THEIS

 **aliens exist:** my darling kouhais…..ganging up on mme,,

 **aliens exist:** my heart hurts…. (*´д｀*)

 **sweet potato:** Hey, maybe if you stopped whining about life like a little bitch and actually paid attention in class, you wouldn’t be having this problem.

 **sweet potato:** ih my gOD THAT WAS TSUKKI OMN SO SORRY

 **yahaba-s:** tell this “tsukki” to stop disrespecting his senpai or he’ll be bludgeoned to death by the ghost of Mizuki-senpai.

 **sweet potato:** ...who?

 **yahaba-s:** it’s a ghost story.

 **yahaba-s:** thirty years ago at karasuno, a third year in high school named mizuki kiyoko was a handsome, if not stern eighteen year old. he was bullied by underclassmen for his first name being a female’s name, and always gave them detention for harassing him. yet they never stopped. he always nagged on them about how they need to respect their senpai, and even made a club for students who feel unappreciated by their kouhai. naturally, since he was bullied often, no one joined it and he was left feeling humiliated. then the same three underclassmen who taunted and hurt him came to the club, and mocked him; one even began to beat him up. that night mizuki killed himself. the next day, the three underclassmen were found dead, in pools of their own blood, with no wounds to speak of, with the kanji for ‘senpai’ written on the walls in their blood. and after that, kouhai who severely disrespected their senpai were found in their houses, with the exact same murder that the three underclassmen faced.

 **sweet potato:** wait whAT THAT HAPPENED AT MY SCHOOL

 **sweet potato:** bbYE I;M TRASNSSNFERING

 **yahaba-s:** no I actually just made it up.

 **yahaba-s:** I just wanted to see how good my storytelling is.

 **sweet potato:** yahaba-senPAI I AM A BIT ANGRY ATYO U

 **sweet potato:** i tohught my school was haunted for a minute….

 **aliens exist:** yama-chan,,, yaha-chan is lyting right now that myth has been aroudn since i was a child,,,, rip in pieces that tsukki binch

 **sweet potato:** isnt it “bitch” oiikawa-senpai??

 **aliens exist:** no sweaty :) its binch

 **yahaba-s:** sometimes I wonder why you’re still in college prep classes, oikawa-senpai.

 **yahaba-s:** I mean no disrespect, but your spelling is atrocious most of the time.

 **aliens exist:** What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.   
**sweet potato:** oikawasenpai i am DONE

 **sweet potato:** goodbye.

 **yahaba-s:** bye senpai you have memed too much.

 **aliens exist:** nU DOTNY LEAVE PLEASE I AM A LONELY SON OF A BINCH

  


6:45 PM/18:45

 

 **sweet potato:** hi tsukki!

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Hey, Yamaguchi.

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Why aren't you talking to that idiotic setter from Seijou?

 **sweet potato:** [sending two image files]

 **Tsukishima Kei:** So he memed too much?

 **sweet potato:** yeah and he memed himself to death and i'm fnot taklkling to him for two days

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Alright, well I’m on my way to the train station now with Hinata to pick up Kuroo and Kozume. Come to Hinata’s and spare me the pain of being around them. Also I left my phone charger at your house- bring it with when you leave.

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Please.

 **sweet potato:** wht i couldnt hear u speak a bit louder please

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Please come over to Hinata’s so I’m not there alone.

 **sweet potato:** a lil louder for the peiple in the back?

 **Tsukishima Kei:** I’ll tell Kozume about your crush on him.

 **sweet potato:** waHT D FUK TSUKKI I ODNT HAVE AR CRUSH ONG HIM WTF EXCUSE YOU

 **sweet potato:** fine i’ll come

 **sweet potato:** but rlly tho why dont u just have kuroo-san come to ur house

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Because he won’t leave Kozume at Hinata’s house alone. And I’m not inviting that stupid ginger midget to my house.

 **sweet potato:** “stupid ginger midget” dont b rude tot the mentally and vertically impaired

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Good roast, Yamaguchi.

 **sweet potato:** tha nks it took me a whole 5 seconds to othink of

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Also, I told Hinata you’d be coming to his house when we arrive back. The Kozume kid perked up a bit and smiled for about .05 seconds.

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Your relationship with him is truly romantic.

 **sweet potato:** u come into home,,.., u piss on my children..u disrespect my dog,,..,. and u make a mockery of my dreams?? disgustenign. i hope ur happy with ur life choices u animal. go. get out of my face. just leav.

 **Tsukishima Kei:** You say Oikawa memed too much, but here you are.

 **sweet potato:** bye tsukki i'm pissed at u don't correct me

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Who says I’m correcting you? More like I’m scolding you for your hypocrisy.

 **sweet potato:** can we use words i actually understand pls thanks

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Shut up, Yamaguchi. You know perfectly well what those words mean; you’re at the top of the class in Modern Japanese Lit.

 **sweet potato:** because i'm so somart righte

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Sometimes I really wonder if you are.

 **sweet potato:** RUDE, TSUKKI.

 **sweet potato:** i'm smarter than u

 **sweet potato:** mite i remind u of our test grades

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Might I remind you who is at the top of the class more than fifty percent of the time? Not you.

 **sweet potato:** rude tsukki

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Shut up, Yamaguchi.

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Alright, well I’m at the train station with Hinata, who’s been weirdly quiet the past twenty minutes. So when we get back I’ll text you.

 **sweet potato:** okat okat oayat

 **Tsukishima Kei:** It’s truly astounding how shitty a texter you are.

 **sweet potato:** i kmow u r buy what am  i ;)

 **Tsukishima Kei:** A dumbass. Bye.

 **sweet potato:** what i thought i was yamagucihi not kagAy ama or hinata

 

 **sweet potato:** hey hinata tsukki invited me over is it ok if i come!!!?

 **VOLLEYBALL IS LIFE:** YEAH COME WHEN U WANT!! WELL BE WATING!!

 **sweet potato:** alrighty

 

Yamaguchi sighed as he stood up, holding his phone as he walked to his desk. He sat down in his spinning chair, opening up a drawer and taking out the 37 gumballs he has stored in it, and then his sketchbook and pencils.

 

He sketched the gumballs on a table and Tsukishima’s murderous face staring down at them for about a half an hour, but eventually grew bored of drawing that (since he’d drawn the same thing several other times) and eventually turned to a new page and ripped it out, setting it on his desk and putting the gumballs back into their container and into the drawer, pulling out a watercolor palette and pouring some of his water from his bedside table’s cup into his painting one.

 

Then he began to paint with a myriad of colors. No real shape in mind, he eventually ended up with about 2/3 of an owl, painted with warm colors and just the faintest cool colors.

 

He left it to dry as his phone buzzed.

 

 **Tsukishima Kei:** We’ll be at Hinata’s in fifteen minutes. You should start heading over there now. Maybe bring an overnight bag since it’s Friday, and he’ll no doubt coerce you into staying.

 **sweet potato:** roGER TSUKKI

 **Tsukishima Kei:** what a cute kid wow i remember how cute ur freckles are u gotta let me photograph u one day

 **Tsukishima Kei:** That was Kuroo.

 **sweet potato:** uhhh tell hmikm i say htgnak uyou abotu the complejnmenyt

 **Tsukishima Kei:** ur flustered aren't u, u cute kiddo

 **sweet potato:** whats it to ya

 **sweet potato:** okay maybe i am but why dOENS TI MATTER

 **Tsukishima Kei:** oh, no reason!

 **Tsukishima Kei:** You probably already know that was Kuroo, but since you are a bit dimwitted sometimes, I thought I’d tell you again.

 **sweet potato:** excUse u

 **sweet potato:** i'm no dumb.

 **sweet potato:** how about you go suck a slimy chicken egg you moldy dildo

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Shut up, Yamaguchi. And please, stop with your tumblr insults. They are disgusting.

 **sweet potato:** sorry tsukki! 

**sweet potato:** cant stop wont stop B)

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Bye. See you in a few.

 **sweet potato:** see ya!!!   


7:45 PM/19:45

 

 **sweet potato:** OIAKWA SIEINPAI I'M GOING TO HINATAS AND MY CRUSH S IS GONNA BE THERE I'M TERRIFIED BUT ECXCIETED EEEHAT DO I WARER

 **aliens exist:** yAMA-CHAN HANG ON I'M GONA SEND U RULE 42 FROM THE SEDUCTION BOOK

 **aliens exist:** Rule 42. When trying to seduce your crush, you have to look sexy. Make it look effortless. If you want him to think you rolled out of bed looking like utter beauty, then you’ve gotta put on casual clothes that fit your form perfectly, and style your hair- preferably by blowdrying it. If not, then settle for something that will make you pop out… [cut for length]

 **sweet potato:** so sweatpants and a tshirt it is thanks oikawa-senpai

 **aliens exist:** yMAA-CHAN  AFTER ALL I HAVE DONE FOR YOU

 **yahaba-s:** savage, yamaguchi.

 **sweet potato:** th ank u hows the weather

 **yahaba-s:** what?

 **sweet potato:** im sorry idk how to respond to compleimetn s plesase font hate me

 **sweet potato:** if it heelpps i think ur hair is pretty

 **yahaba-s:** it’s cool, and thanks.

 **sweet potato:** alright well i gotTA GO SO SEE YOU GUYS I HOpe i don't embarrass myself oh gosh of course i'm fgonna embarrass my slefi shoulfd probably just not go

 **aliens exist:** thSTS QUITER TALK YAMA-CHAN

 **sweet potato:** maybe thats why i'm saying it lol

 **aliens exist:** YOU GO TO HINATAS AND TALK TO UR CRUSH OK YOU BETTER NOT BE A SHY HOE U GOTA BE AN OUTGOING HOE

 **yahaba-s:** wise words, oikawa-senpai. I feel blessed.

 **aliens exist:** fINALLY SOMEONE APPRECIATES ME

 **yahaba-s:** … okay oikawa-senpai…

  


Yamaguchi locked his phone as he threw on his best pair of sweatpants and socks, leaving his old art shirt on he won in a painting competition when he got first place (also a 10,000 yen gift card to a super expensive art store). He packed a few clothes in his bag, threw his laptop and phone charger inside, also his wallet and keys because hey he didn’t know if he’d be running home from Hinata’s in pure agony from embarrassing himself, and it was always great to be prepared.

 

Then he turned his light off, left his room (locking his door with the key around his neck), and took off down the stairs to the living room, where his dad was watching TV.

 

“I’m staying the night at a friend’s house! I’ll be back sometime tomorrow!” He called out, jogging to the door. His duffel bag swung with his steps, and his dad called out before he could leave.

 

“Are you going out when you get there? Do you need money? Here, take this.” His father rifled through his wallet and pulled out a few bills, each adding up to about 2000 yen.

 

“Oh, uh, thanks dad!” He smiled at his father, waved goodbye and walked out the front door, using the other key around his neck to lock it. He didn’t really need the money, but his father wouldn’t take it back even if he tried to give it to him, so he shrugged, maneuvering his body to pull his bag open and shove the bills into his wallet. Also he was too selfish to give it back, but hey no one needs to know that okay.

 

He began the long trek to Hinata’s (read: the bus stop that’s going to take him to the convenience store and then to the closest bus stop to Hinata’s house).

  


 

Knocking on Hinata’s door, Yamaguchi wondered if it was wrong of him to spend the money his father gave to him on candy. It didn’t seem like it when he was buying everything, but what if he needed the money a different time? What if one day he ran away and that money was the difference between going hungry and having a meal?

 

“Yamaguchi-kun! You’re here!” It was Kuroo who opened the door, all smiles and excitement in his voice. Yamaguchi felt as though it was faked, somehow.

 

“Uh, yeah,” Yamaguchi replied lamely, his eyes flitting past Kuroo and inside Hinata’s house, where the owner was sitting, with Kageyama and Kozume (Tsukishima had yet to be seen).

 

“Well, come right in! Make yourself at home!” Kuroo opened the door wide and Yamaguchi stepped in, toeing his shoes off at the mat and looking around for Tsukishima.

 

“Where’s Tsukki?” He asked. Kuroo sniggered a bit into his hand and Hinata shifted into the couch cushions more than he already was, as if trying to disappear. The ginger’s face was red from embarrassment and Kageyama looked ecstatic at that, as though he derived pleasure from Hinata’s failures. Hey, maybe he did. It wasn’t Yamaguchi’s place to judge other people's’ kinks.

 

“In the shower. Shouyou thought it was a good idea to spike a banana, and the guts of it splattered onto Tsukishima-san and into his hair.” Kozume answered, looking up from his psp to stare at Yamaguchi. His gaze lasted for only a few seconds, but it felt longer than that to Yamaguchi. Maybe because he’s in love. Or because time is an illusion. Who knows.

 

“So, Yamaguchi, why are you here?” Kageyama. Ah, the resident asshole (besides Tsukki). At least the guy was attempting to be polite. Yamaguchi tried to smile politely, but he thought it probably looked a bit condescending considering he only learned how to fake a smile from Tsukishima, who is, like stated earlier, a bit of an asshole.

 

And as if on cue, Tsukishima walked into the living room, a towel around his neck and a dark look on his face, directed at the resident idiots. His stare softened when he looked to Yamaguchi and Kuroo, then he smirked.

 

“Yamaguchi, you look like you’re about to tell someone their deepest, darkest secrets that no one is supposed to know. Cut it out.” Tsukishima said, his voice sounding the same as ever. Yamaguchi dropped the smile, going for a relatively blank face with just the quirk at the corner of his mouth.

 

Kuroo sighed fondly, like he was a dad or something, and went to sit on a chair. Yamaguchi himself felt inclined to sit down on the floor.

 

There was an awkward silence that made Yamaguchi really want to check his phone. But it was broken by Kageyama.

 

“So, Yamaguchi, why are you here?” Kageyama repeated, his voice was hard but curious, and it really kind of angered Yamaguchi, because he was _invited_ ,  and Hinata are friends- they don’t hang out really outside of school, since they have their respective best friends (Tsukishima and Kageyama) but on the off chance that they’re both not busy but their friends are they hang out.

 

He was also kind of angry because Kageyama has been an asshole to Tsukishima the past week, even when Tsukki hadn’t even thrown any insults out (yet). He’d push into the blond when walking into the locker room, and even when Tsukishima wasn’t doing anything besides talking shit about fellow classmates with Yamaguchi, it seemed like the stick in Kageyama’s ass had inched up and began to painfully ram into his prostate, causing him to be a bigger asshole than usual and try and one-up Tsukishima.

 

(Yamaguchi vehemently ignored the fact that Tsukki kind of deserved it. He thought that it didn’t matter because Tsukishima was his best friend and Kageyama really did need to be knocked down a few pegs still, even with all his emotional development that being on a caring team has put him through).

 

“Because Tsukki said you needed someone to go with you to wipe your ass when you take a shit, because you’re obviously incapable yourself, and I volunteered because I’m a polite, kind child.”

 

...

 

No. No, he did not say that. A thick silence permeated the room as Yamaguchi realized he _was_ the one who just said that and Kageyama realized he’s been roasted the fuck out of.

 

“Fuck.” Yamaguchi stated as Kuroo burst into hysterics. Tsukishima sniggered into the side of his towel, and Hinata was biting his lip, trying very hard not to laugh.

 

Kozume had a slight smile on his face as he paused his game. Laughter didn't come out of his mouth, but that smile- beautiful. It was all Yamaguchi needed.

 

Tell my mom I love her, I’m ready for death, Yamaguchi thought dreamily as he stared at Kozume.

 

Kageyama growled and stood up, his fist in the air as though he was getting ready to pummel Yamaguchi (who was kind of worried but not all that much, because someone would stop the overgrown five year old), when Tsukishima crossed the floor with his long legs and held Kageyama’s fist in his hand.

 

He turned to Yamaguchi and looked down to his body on the floor. “Good roast, Yamaguchi.”

 

His anger and fear dissipated and he smiled cheerily at Tsukishima. “Thanks, Tsukki!”

 

Tsukishima sighed at Kageyama, pushing the shorter boy down and back onto his couch cushion. Hinata scooted over lest he get hit by an angry limb. Kozume had to deal with a stupid ginger midget halfway crawling into his lap.

 

Well, the danger has been thwarted.

 

Kuroo groaned from his spot in the chair, sinking down lower and lower until his butt was on the floor and his shirt had ridden up. “Why can't _I_ call you Tsukki?” He whined.

 

Tsukishima smirked as he walked over to Kuroo, taking the older boy’s old seat on the chair, with his legs on both sides of the third-year. “Because you’re not Yamaguchi.” He explained, as though that solved everything.

 

“But I’m literally dating you, Tsukishima!”

 

“Yeah, but you’re not Yamaguchi, are you?”

 

Kozume snickered from his spot on the couch. Kageyama looked a bit confused from his seat, like there was some question that, if answered correctly, would give him the key to stopping global warming.

 

“But if Yamaguchi’s just your sidekick and Kuroo-san’s your boyfriend, then why can’t he call you Tsukki?”

 

Time seemed to stop and the room grew thick with tension once more. Hinata, bless the stupid boy’s soul, had the audacity to put a thinking face on and try to answer the question. He looked to be lost in thought, trapped in his mind thinking of all possibilities, when Kozume snapped him out of it and gave him a Look™ which told him not to say anything, lest he look even more dumb than Kageyama usually does.

 

“Sidekick? When was Yamaguchi ever my sidekick?” Tsukishima said, his cool voice and calculating eyes staring directly at Kageyama.

 

Yamaguchi sighed, whipping out his phone to text the group chat about the load of shit that’s happening.

 

 **sweet potato:** so ut seems like kahgeyama was undr the assumpti0on that i'm tsukkis side kick im not sure whether i'm offneded or angered at that

 **aliens exist:** ah, tobio-chan (✿◠‿◠) what i wuld give to crush that mOTJETR FUCKER WITH A BUS

 **yahaba-s:** yes, we know, oikawa-senpai. it’s not like you rant about kageyama for a half hour during practice everyday.

 **yahaba-s:** and just roast him, yamaguchi. be offended and crush his spirit.

 **aliens exist:** fuck u yahaba-chan

 **sweet potato:** no i did roast him and that s what started this

 **sweet potato:** ndnd i can't crush his spirit rn bc i'm all roasted out

 **yahaba-s:** oh. what’d you say?

 **sweet potato:** well he asked me why i was over at hinnatas and hes been a bitchy assohle lately so i said that it was because he neededsomeone to wipe his ass wehn he takes a shit and i volunteered to becuz i'm just that kind and then he got up to punnch me but tsukki stpped him and kuroo asked why he culdnt call tsukishima by the name “tsukki” and tsukki said its bc hes not yamaguchi and then kageyama was like “ but if yamaguhi is ur sidekick and kuroo-sans ur bf then why can't he call u tsukki?” and so

 **sweet potato:** am i rlly that dependent on him??

 **aliens exist:** i'm gonna roast that mf tobio-chan u just wait yama-chan!! gonna use my guns to beat hum up!! ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

 **sweet potato:** tnks oikawa-senpai

 **yahaba-s:** wow. so you can care about someone other than yourself and iwaizumi-senpai.

 **aliens exist:** fk off yaha-chan

 **aliens exist:** nd it dosent matter if ur dependednt on him or not waht matters ids if ur frenship is healthyy

 **sweet potato:** thnks again senpais

 **yahaba-s:** no worries, kid.

 **sweet potato:** im sixteen

 **yahaba-s:** no worries, kid.

 **sweet potato:** imm,, NOt a kid,,

 **yahaba-s:** no worries, kid.

 

“-but nothing. Yamaguchi is not my sidekick, period.”

 

Yamaguchi tuned back into the conversation, his ears picking up on Tsukishima’s cold voice that was being directed at Tsukishima.

 

“Whatever.” Kageyama muttered, turning his head away from everyone. “Let’s just watch a stupid movie.”

 

Yamaguchi sighed. It seemed like even if Kageyama got the fuck roasted out of him (or so he assumed, because whenever he and Tsukki get into verbal disagreements Kageyama usually gets set on fire and tossed into the flames unforgivingly), the stupid, disgusting human being wouldn’t rise up to the challenge of beating Tsukki up (Though there was no doubt in Yamaguchi’s mind that he wanted to).

 

Nonetheless even when his boyfriend had lost his pride, Hinata found a movie to watch and they all agreed on it, dimming the lights and getting into comfortable positions. Yamaguchi kept his spot on the floor, conveniently next to the couch where Kozume was sat, also next to a wall plug in so he could charge his phone.

 

Kuroo and Tsukishima went to the kitchen to find snacks, but took about thirty minutes before coming back out, red-faced and sweaty, like they’d had an intense make-out session.

 

Yamaguchi wished that the movie wasn’t so dark so he could see Kozume’s face better.

 

[Kenma secretly wished it too, at the odd moments when he looked to Yamaguchi, who’d become interested in a particular scene in the movie).

  


 

Hours later, around 4:00 AM, Yamaguchi and Kozume were the only ones up. Tsukishima and Kuroo had fallen asleep looking like an actual fucking couple and not two dudes who have unemotional sex, and Hinata and Kageyama were in the former’s bedroom, doing who knows what naughty things in bed (they just sleeping lol they're too innocent for anything else).

 

Yamaguchi sure didn’t know. Or care.

 

But no- _stay on topic, Tadashi,_ He thought to himself.

 

He and Kozume were the only ones up. Which means they can either ignore each other until either one of them falls asleep, or they could go into a different room and talk, or they could put on warm clothes and bring the bare essentials in a bag as they went exploring through the forest behind Hinata’s house.

 

Yamaguchi really wanted to do the latter.

 

“Goodnight, Yamaguchi-kun.” Kozume said, shutting off his PSP and laying down on the rest of the couch to sleep.

 

 _Well, there goes my dreams,_ Yamaguchi thought mournfully.

 

He let out a soft “G’night, Kozume”, to which he got the reply of “Kenma. Call me Kenma”, to which he accidentally squealed and had to ignore the tense silence as he regretted his choice to even think of speaking to anyone, until he fell asleep.

 

Truly, life was okay. Not good, not bad, but okay.

  
[But it’d be better if he could go on that adventure through the forest with Kenma].

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ccan,, i just say,, i hATE THIS CHAPTER GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE IM PISSEd at how bad i am at writing ok bye tell me if theres any mistakes 
> 
> even tho it sucked i hope u managed to gain even the smallest amount of pleasure from it


	3. oikawa-senpai you are a horrible babysitter please just stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which oikawa is an irresponsible babysitter, yamaguchi goes shopping with his cool cousin, akaashi and kenma are added into the group chat, and oikawa talks to yachi, tsukishima fucks up, and yamaguchi gets a compliment from kenma and dies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey i wrote this and am posting it right after finishing the chapter so if theres mistakes pls tell me
> 
> H E L P M E how do i characterize yahaba please tell me 
> 
> i think i have kenma down okay idk 
> 
> also this is kind of filler-ish to me idk but im gonna try to make a longer chapter next time

May 8 2016

 

11:45 AM/11:45

 

 **aliens exist:** gUESS WHAT LOOK

 **aliens exist:** [sending image file]

 **aliens exist:** LOOK ITS A BABY SLEEPING ON ME HES MY NEPHEW HES SO CUTE I LOVE HIM HES LIKE 1

 **yahaba-s:** he’s cute

 **sweet potato:** hoho H MY GOD WAHT A CUTIE OH MY GGOODNESS SEND MORE PICTURES WHAT AN ADORABLE BABY

 **aliens exist:** yAMA-CHAN OM SO GLAD U LOVE HIM HIS NAMESX IS EIJI AND HES SO CUTE

 **aliens exist:** [inserting five image files]

 **aliens exist:** fCK ODNT LOOK ATR HTE LAST PICEURE

 **yahaba-s:** nice, oikawa-senpai, sending us a nude.

 **yahaba-s:** that looks like a fairly... private picture.

 **yahaba-s:** it’d be a shame if someone... leaked it…

 **aliens exist:** YAHABA SHIGERU I SWEAR I WILL KCIKC YOU AND KYOUKENCHAN OFF THE TEAM IF YOU LEAK MY NUDES

 **yahaba-s:** woah it was a joke

 **yahaba-s:** don't kick us off

 **sweet potato:** lOOK AT THE CUTERE BABY I AM IN LOLVFEE

 **sweet potato:** i LOVE KIDS AND DOGS AND EIJI IS SUCH A CUTE BBY I HOPE I CAN HOLDD HIM ONE DAY

 **aliens exist:** be careful what you wish for yaam-chan! (▰˘◡˘▰)

 **yahaba-s:** that emoticon doesn’t really match your text

 **aliens exist:** stop it

 **sweet potato:** wait what do u mean oikawa-senpai

 **aliens exist:** nothin for uu to wory aboutt!! ∩(︶▽︶)∩

 **yahaba-s:** senpai seriously your emoticons aren’t 100% matching today

 **aliens exist:** sTOOP IT YAHAB-CHANA IT HURTS WHN U HIT MY INSECURITUES

 **yahaba-s:** my apologies

 **sweet potato:** but it’s just an emoticon

 **aliens exist:** YAEAH BUT I USE THEM ALL THE TIME NAD YAHA-CAHAN SGOHULDNT POINT OUT HOW IT DOEST MATCH IT MAKEDS ME SELF-CONSHIS

 **sweet potato:** the onlly thing u shiuld be insecure abt is ur spelling “self-conshis”

 **yahaba-s:** nice roast, yamaguchi

 **sweet potato:** really? thank u!!!

 **aliens exist:** stop it stop teamign up on me its not fair it hurts m e  o(╥﹏╥)o

 **sweet potato:** what Im sorry wait don' be sad

 **aliens exist:** its okay yama-chan! (o´ω｀o) mwah!! give tooru-senpai some kisses!!!

 **sweet potato:** ummm

 **sweet potato:** how

 **sweet potato:** im sorry what do i do hw od o i giuve you kissses

 **yahaba-s:** like this

 **yahaba-s:** *gives oikawa-senpai a kiss for his egotistical brain*

 **aliens exist:** eW COOtEIS DFROM YAHABA-CHAN

 **aliens exist:** I ONLY WANT YAMA-CAHN COOTIES

 **sweet potato:** thanks i think

 **sweet potato:** hows eiji

 **aliens exist:** hes go

 **aliens exist:** I'M GONNA ROAST THIS MOTHERFUCKER

 **sweet potato:** wHAT AREYOU WAHT

 **sweet potato:** youre not talking about eiji, are you???

 **aliens exist:** I AM

 **sweet potato:** wHAT NNO DONY WHAT HED EVEN DO DOLNT HURT HIM HES INNOCENT YOU MONSTER

 **aliens exist:** INNCOENT

 **aliens exist:** yOY THINGK HES INNOCNET

 **aliens exist:** LLOK AT HTWHAT HE DID

 **aliens exist:** [sending five image files]

 **yahaba-s:** so the kid puked on you in his sleep and it was on the shirt iwaizumi-senpai bought you so you’re pissed?

 **aliens exist:** YES

 **aliens exist:** [inserting image file]

 **sweet potato:** OH MYGOD OIAKWA DO NOT DROP HIM INTO THE TOILET

 **sweet potato:** I'M WARNING OYIU

 **sweet potato:** DO N O T

 **sweet potato:** ILL NEBER TALK TO YOU AGAIN IF YOU FLUSH THAT CHILD DOWN THE TOILET

 **sweet potato:** ILL CRTY MYSELF TO SLEPE NAD NEVERE LEAVE BED IF YOU HUTRTR EIJI

 **yahaba-s:** oikawa-senpai I think you’re being too rash.

 **aliens exist:** YAMACHA NIM SORRY DONY IGNORE ME I WONT FLUCHS HM DOWN OK I PUT HIM BACK ON THE BED HES FINE SEE

 **aliens exist:** [inserting one image file]

 **sweet potato:** thhnak u but i'm angry at u that was HORRIBLE of you to do

 **yahaba-s:** so, are you a child abuser?

 **yahaba-s:** because it sure seems that way

 **yahaba-s:** what would you do if I told iwaizumi-senpai about this?

 **aliens exist:** dOTN YUOU DARE

 **aliens exist:** PLEASE DONT

 **aliens exist:** PPLS ESRASE DON'T

 **sweet potato:** im veryy disappointed in u oikawa-senpai

 **sweet potato:** im gonna go now

 **sweet potato:** bye yahaba-senpai

 **yahaba-s:** well look what you did oikawa-senpai you just made him leave

 **yahaba-s:** are you feeling ashamed yet?

 **aliens exist:** brb goin to sin withr iwa-chan

 **yahaba-s:** what.

 **yahaba-s:** what about eiji?

 **aliens exist:** oh dont worry hell be fine!! my dog is watching him~ (◠‿◠✿)

 **yahaba-s:** no. tell me you’re joking.

 **sweet potato:** IKIAKWA SENPAI I AM DONE

 **sweet potato:** TkAKE CARE OF THE PRECIOUS CHILD OR I’LL BE THE ONE LEAKING THAT NUDE

 **aliens exist:** YAAAM CHAN N

 **aliens exist:** i CNANAOT ELIBEEVE THIS

 **sweet potato:** ur so irresponsible

 **yahaba-s:** go on, roast him yamaguchi

 **sweet potato:** no im too scared

 **aliens exist:** FINE ILL JHST HAVE IWACAHN COME OFER HERE

 **aliens exist:** and we WON'T DO ANY DIRTYH THINFS probably

 **yahaba-s:** that’s the best you’re getting, yamaguchi. be glad he’s doing this much.

 **sweet potato:** thank u for being a decent human being oikawa-senpai

 **sweet potato:** now i have to go bc im going shopping with my cousin!!

 **yahaba-s:** oh, have fun

 **aliens exist:** is this the same cousin who gets terrified by strong ppl

 **sweet potato:** yeah!!!   
**aliens exist:** watsh is name

 **sweet potato:** his first name is kouki and im not giving u his last name bc ull stalk him

 **sweet potato:** hes rlly sweet and cute and funny he has an adorable laugh and smile also hes dating a super scary dude

 **sweet potato:** and hes up here visiting from tokyo so we’re going shopping!! im glad bc he has rlly good fashion taste

 **yahaba-s:** you...don’t have a crush on him, do you?

 **sweet potato:** what ew of course not hes my COUSin

 **sweet potato:** we’re just rlly close like,,, sibling close bc both our older bros are mean

 **yahaba-s:** I see

 **sweet potato:** also i already have a crush and hes got a boyfriend so!! (and hes my COUSIN)

 **aliens exist:** well yama-chan send pics of ur clothes when ur done!!! I wann seee them (●~▽~●)

 **sweet potato:** okay!!

 **aliens exist:** so yahaba-chan how are u nd kyoukenchan

 **yahaba-s:** I’m about to go on a date with him right now so I’d say we’re pretty good.

 **yahaba-s:** so yeah, I have to go. I’ll text you when I get home.

 **aliens exist:** WAHT? SO THAT MEANS IMM BE ALONE?!

 **yahaba-s:** you have iwaizumi-senpai

 **aliens exist:** nnO I DONT HES GONE AND WENT OFF BUG HUNTIGN AND BUGS SCARE ME SO I'M NOT GOING NEAR HIM AND IC ANT BC GOTTA TAKE CARE OF EIJI

 **aliens exist:** hey i got an idea!! (*˘︶˘*) i’ll go skype some other mutuals!!

 **yahaba-s:** I pity their poor souls.

 **aliens exist:** YAHABANANA-CHAN I AM OFFEND

 **yahaba-s:** apologies.

 **yahaba-s:** also please don’t call me that

 **aliens exist:** sorry yahabanana-chan!! (︶▽︶)

 **aliens exist:** bye now habe funn on your date!!!

  


12:35 PM/12:35

 

 **aliens exist:** yoohoo~ is this akaashi keiji?

 **owlkaashi:** Yes. Who is this?

 **aliens exist:** im oikawa tooru!!! nice to fianally becom ur friend!!

 **owlkaashi:** I’m sorry, but we’ve just met, Oikawa-san.

 **owlkaashi:** I don't even know you.

 **owlkaashi** : So I think it’s safe to say we aren’t friends just yet.

 **aliens exist:** ok lets become frineds then,,,

 **aliens exist:** srjthf

 **owlkaashi:** Pardon?

 **aliens exist:** ssshitit sorry that was eiji he slapped my phone

 **owlkaashi:** Who?

 **aliens exist:** sorrry sory hes my bby cousin

 **aliens exist:** he like 1 yr old or sthn i cant remember

 **owlkaashi:** Maybe you should be taking care of him instead of talking to me, Oikawa-san. Not to be rude, but a toddler needs more attention than an acquaintance you’ve just made.

 **aliens exist:** nah hes fine lol

 **aliens exist:** so whats ur favorite clololr

 **owlkaashi:** I don’t have a favorite “clololr”

 **owlkaashi:** But I do have a favorite color. Forest green.

 **aliens exist:** ooooh, naturey!!!

 **owlkaashi:** Yes, I suppose so.

 **aliens exist:** r u a nature guy??? do u go on nature wlaks at nite and sing 2 the moon?? ヾ(●◠∇◠●)ﾉ u gotta take me with u one day!

 **owlkaashi:** No.

 **aliens exist:** wat

 **owlkaashi:** No, I do not sing to the moon, and no, I will not take you with me when I go on walks.

 **owlkaashi:** I have to babysit Bokuto-senpai. It was a pleasure messaging you. Bye.

 **aliens exist:** aww man (丶´Д｀) i was lokjng forwated to talkinf to u! :( also isn't he 17 or 18???

 **owlkaashi:** Apologies for messing up your plans.

 **owlkaashi:** And yes, while Bokuto-san is 17, he cannot be trusted at his house alone.

 **owlkaashi:** Goodbye now.

 

1:02 PM/13:02

 

 **aliens exist:** what is kozume kenmas skype name

 **Kurocat:** why do u wana kno

 **aliens exist:** its 4 the beter of his luv life with a certain freckled angel child

 **Kurocat:** yamaguchi?

 **Kurocat:** if its for yamama chan then here

 **Kurocat:** its “chicken meme”

 **aliens exist:** thx tetsuchan

 **Kurocat:** yeah yeah whatever i just wanna see my bff happy, hes so in love with freckles its so obvious and painful

 **Kurocat:** freckles doesn't even know how cute he is honestly kenma is so enraptured with him and thinks about him all the time its disgustingly cute and theyve barely said anything to each other

 **aliens exist:** yamachan is the same way its so grossly adorable

 **aliens exist:** okay bye now~!

 **Kurocat:** see u at the dump lol u piece of trash

 **aliens exist:** EXCUSE ME

 

1:04 PM/13:04

 

 **aliens exist:** heyyy!!!! u’re yachi hitoka righht???

 **shy dog:** uumm yes that’s me!

 **shy dog:** who are you?

 **aliens exist:** your new bf

 **shy dog:** what

 **aliens exist:** just kidding~ i'm gay and my name is oikawa tooru! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

 **shy dog:** WWHat goTTA GO I GOTTA FEEDM Y MAGAZINEE BBYE

 **aliens exist:** why is it that every  time i tru 2 majke freineds they all end upl eaving

 **aliens exist:** is it bc i like boiz

 **aliens exist:** npo you can't be that shalowol also in p s ure u got smthn for ur magnager senpai

 **aliens exist:** also how the hell do u feed a magazine

 **shy dog:** IM SRORRY FOR LEAVING I JUST ALLMSOT HAD A PANCKING ATACK BEC UR OIKAWA TOORUP ANS UR TALL AND SCARYAASLO HOW ODO U KNOWO ABOUT SHIMIZU SENPAI

 **aliens exist:** the aliens bestowed me with the power of a gay-dar

 **aliens exist:** but ffs youre so cute be my friednd

 **shy dog:** OKAY

 **aliens exist:** is capslock your lover or do u just not know how to turn it off bc i know a guy who that happned to once it was funny as hell

 **shy dog:** NO I JUSTSTS USE IT WHEN I'M ANXXIUOS

 **aliens exist:** oh okay （  ´∀｀）☆   
**shy dog:** ssoo why do you want to be my friend??

 **aliens exist:** bc ur cute ＼(*^▽^*)/ and ur frien ds with yama-chan an d i wanna gt 2 kno his friendnss betere! ans u seem like a cool person!!!!!!

 **shy dog:** oh thank u so much oikawa-senpai!!!!

 **shy dog:** wait how do u know yamaguchi-kun???

 **aliens exist:** hes one of my best friedns!!!!!!

 **shy dog:** UAHH REALLY THATS SO COOL

 **shy dog:** umm sorry oikawa-senpai i have 2 go now, i'm meeting up with kiyoko-senpai!!!!

 **aliens exist:** why is everohnre leabing me

 **aliens exist:** ahhh anyways bye yacchan~!

 **shy dog:** bye bye!   


 

Yamaguchi stared at his phone in utter horror while he waited for his cousin to come out of the dressing room.

 

1:01 PM/13:01

 

 **Tsukishima Kei:** I found the gumballs.

 **sweet potato:** tssuki,,,,,, llEYT ME EXXPLAINS

 **Tsukishima Kei:** And I seen the drawings. It wasn’t hard to piece it together from that. Also, I read your diary entry when you confessed to doing it, but I wasn’t going to add that.

 **sweet potato:** TSUKISHIMA KEI GET OUT OF MY ROOM RIGHT NOW

 **sweet potato:** or ill tell akiteru abotut what happnedc to his computer

 **Tsukishima Kei:** Do it.

 **Tsukishima Kei:** I fucking dare you.

 **sweet potato:** JJSUT GETO UT OF MY ROOM

 **sweet potato:** And don’t ever text me again.

 

“Hey, Yamaguchi, how do I look- oh my god, are you crying?” His cousin’s worried face appeared in the corners of his vision, which had begun to blur from his tears. Sniffling like a crybaby, Yamaguchi brought his hand up to his face and wiped the tears off his cheeks. His phone buzzed from inside his pocket, but he paid it no mind.

 

“N-No, ‘m not cryin’,” He mumbled as he cried. Kouki sighed through his nose, and patted him on the head.

 

“I’m gonna get back in my regular clothes, we’re gonna pay, and then we’re gonna talk. Is that okay?” He asked, his soothing voice not really helping Yamaguchi because he was already too far gone.

 

Yamaguchi made a whining sound that meant “I hope I die Tsukki is so disappointed in me but I’m also very furious with him for going through my stuff and reading my diary and going through my sketchbook it’s humiliating I feel like he doesn’t even care that he breached my privacy oh god I really want to die and I want to go sit alone in a corner and cry my eyes out” but Kouki took the whine as a “Yeah, that’s fine”.

 

Ten minutes later, Kouki came back with two separate bags, one filled with the clothes Yamaguchi was going to have bought, and one with Kouki’s new dank threads.

 

“Hey, c’mon, we’re leaving.” Kouki struggled with the bags, pulling something out of the one with Yamaguchi’s clothes. “Here, take this hat,” He handed him a dark, forest green baseball cap, with white painted trees along the top of the rim. “Wear it so people don’t see your face, okay? I know how we both get when we’re caught crying in public, so come on.”

 

Yamaguchi took his bag and let out a small ‘thanks’, ducking his head and shoving the cap on it, but not down too far or else it would look like he was trying to cover his face, and people would stare closer than they would have if it looked like he set it on himself normally, since there’s obviously something he’s hiding that he doesn’t want seen.

 

They walked through the mall and ended up at one of the lesser visited sitting areas, in the area next to some of the old closed down shops. Yamaguchi sat down on it next to Kouki, wallowing in angst and self-pity.

 

“Now,” Kouki cracked two knuckles, aiming for all ten but being too weak to pop them all, and attempted to pop his neck (but it didn’t work). “Who do I have to beat up?”

 

It’s funny because Kouki has only a bit of muscle and he can't aim correctly to throw a decent punch.

 

“Stupid Tsukki,” Yamaguchi muttered, looking down at the ground angrily. He felt his stupid crybaby eyes begin to well up with tears and imagined himself slapping his face to get a grip on his emotions, and whadda ya know, his hand lifted on it’s own accord and slapped his cheek kinda hard.

 

“The tall glasses dude? He’s scary, I’m not taking my chances on fighting him.” Kouki shivered in fear, and then patted Yamaguchi on the back, albeit awkwardly.

 

“Sorry I’m not strong enough to defend your honor, but do you wanna talk about what’s wrong?” Kouki asked, care laced through his tone. Yamaguchi sighed, tipping over and letting his head land in Kouki’s lap. The hat fell off.

 

“Tsukki went through my room and found the gumballs and my sketchbook and found the drawings of the gumballs and then he read my diary entry where I confessed to taking his money to buy all the gumballs and it’s not that I’m mad he found out it’s just that I’m mad because he went through my things and read my diary and it’s humiliating.” Yamaguchi said in one breath, his hands shaking from where he clutched the couch cushion.

 

Kouki hummed. “I think you should be really petty and ignore him and not talk to him, because what he did was really wrong and he shouldn’t have messed with your stuff or breached your privacy, and he needs to atone for what he’s done, and maybe when you’re not angry you can talk to him about it? I dunno I suck at advice.” Kouki said, drumming his fingers on the muscle of Yamaguchi’s arm.

 

“I’m gonna tell his brother and parents about how he did some techno stuff to his and Akiteru’s computers and switched them because he broke his own and Akiteru’s was in top condition at the time. And then I’m gonna ignore him because I’m still sangry* at him.”

 

“You go, Yamyam. Now c’mon, I still wanna get new jeans that show off my butt, and the only really good pairs are at Hollister.”

 

“It’s too flat for anyone to even take notic- OW, okay, I’m sorry, I lied, you do have a really great butt.”

 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

 

2:22 PM/14:22

 

 **sweet potato:** im back

 **yahaba-s:** how was shopping?

 **sweet potato:** it was good!! except about halfway through tsukki texted me and we got into a fight…

 **aliens exist:** gimme his skype name i'm gonna roast him

 **sweet potato:** no, its fine,

 **sweet potato:** hey if i did sthn really petty would it be bad

 **sweet potato:** ok so i'm angry at tsukki and he told me a secret of somethin he did whih could get him in a lot troulbe with his family and i'm angry enough to tell them should i

 **aliens exist:** HELL YES ITS PETTY BUT DO IT

 **yahaba-s:** only if you don’t want to fix your friendship. he’ll likely be even more mad if you do that and not want to make up with you.

 **sweet potato:** sighhh, he just made me really sangry

 **yahaba-s:** sangry?

 **sweet potato:** sad and angry

 **aliens exist:** well lets get off this sad topic!! yamam-chan send us pics of ur outfits!!!!

 **sweet potato:** uhhh, okay let me put some on and model I guess??

 **yahaba-s:** yeah, do that.

 **sweet potato:** [inserting 12 image files]

 **aliens exist:** HOLY SHIT THATS A LOT OF OUTFITS i'm jealous of you bc u bought so much and didn't even reuse any clothes for each outfit

 **yahaba-s:** I like outfit number four the most.

 **aliens exist:** the one with the black skinny jeans and jean jacket????!

 **yahaba-s:** yes.

 **aliens exist:** ME TOO (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

 **aliens exist:** but i also like #7,, with the blue shirt and flower geans!

 **yahaba-s:** how do you spell jeans wrong? I don’t understand.

 **aliens exist:** fuq u yaha-chan! ☉▵☉凸 

**sweet potato:** !!!! thank u guys i'm glad u like them!!

 **sweet potato:** but do u actually think they look good on me?? ur not just sayin it to be nice??

 **aliens exist:** OF COURSE THEY LOOKS GOOD here ill add in a blunt person so theyll tell u de truth

 **aliens exist:** nd then another person who u’ll love! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

 

[aliens exist added owlkaashi and chicken meme to the group]

 

 **aliens exist:** HEYO AKAASH-CHAN PLS LOOK AT THE PREVIOUS PICS AND TELL US WHAT U THINK OF THE OUTFITS AND HOW THEY LOOK ON THE MODEL!! (✿◠‿◠)

 **owlkaashi:** They look nice on the model. They fit his form well.

 **owlkaashi:** Can I go now?

 **yahaba-s:** which is your favorite outfit?

 **owlkaashi:** 10, I suppose. The one with the dark jeans that are very. . . Form fitting to the model’s ass.

 **chicken meme:** this is kozume kenma. who are you guys?

 **sweet potato:** DFJHIQOKFGM RIGJRODF

 **aliens exist:** u broke him dammit btw i'm oikawa tooru ur my new friend and the dead one who kaashi-kun broke is yamaguchi and then yahaba is yahaba-s and kaashi-kun is owlkaashi so heyo ken-chan it nice 2 be ur frie

 **aliens exist:** IF THIS CHILD PEES ON ME ONE MORE TIME

 **aliens exist:** GODDAMMIT

 **aliens exist:** [inserting one image file]

 **yahaba-s:** senpai I am very concerned, please do not drop the child out the window.

 **owlkaashi:** you are a horrible man.

 **chicken meme: l** ol do it from the top floor

 **sweet potato:** KKENNAM E NO EIJI DOESN'T DESSERVE IT

 **chicken meme:** yeah your right

 **chicken meme:** don't do it until he poops on u

 **sweet potato:** ur horrible hes a smal innocent child don't hurt him if u do then i'm gonna cry

 **aliens exist:** okok fine i won't!!

 **chicken meme:** okay

aliens exist: anyways~ kenchan go look at the above photos and tell us if yamaguchi looks good int he outfits!

 **chicken meme:** ok

 **chicken meme:** yeah he does

 **chicken meme:** since you all stated your favorites mine is 6 with the black and white shirt and baggy capris jeans

 **sweet potato:** ithd fgr oh mtgg od bless

 **aliens exist:** dammit stop it yamachan we already went over this

 **aliens exist:** stop spazzing when u get a compliment from someone u respect

 **sweet potato:** !!!! shhhh

 **yahaba-s:** stop it, oikawa-senpai

 **owlkaashi:** Can I leave now?

 **aliens exist:** NO ur stayin in this chat 4ever

 **owlkaashi:** Why?

 **aliens exist:** ur cute and blunt and cute

 **owlkaashi:** You’re very honest. Thank you for the compliment.

 **chicken meme:** ok bye i need to go

 **aliens exist:** where

 **chicken meme:** game store with kuroo and a sad tsukishima

 **sweet potato:** ASK HIM WHY HES SAD

 **sweet potato:** MAKE SURE U DON'T REVEAL THE GROUP CHAT

 **sweet potato:** make sure he answers and talks about his feelings and then tell me

 **sweet potato:** I MEAN ONLY IIF YOU WAANT TO OF COUORSE

 **chicken meme:** roger, yamaguchi

 

{1:08 PM/13:08

  
**Tsukishima Kei:** I’m sorry.} 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> headcanon kenma gets his 'you're' and 'your' mixed up and can't spell that well  
> headcanon akaashi is wary of becoming friends with people online because he doesn't know if they'll like the offline him  
> headcanon yamaguchi is v well off and his cousin is furihata kouki from kuroko no basket
> 
> bookmark subscribe kudos and COMMENT or im never gonna ever update this fic 
> 
> pls give me feedback
> 
> pls 
> 
> p l s


	4. shrek/akaashi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shrek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi yall sorry ive been gone for like 2 months lol
> 
> hope ya like this piece of shit chapter,,, also kyouhaba lovers there will be kyouhaba next chap lol 
> 
> pls dont hate me if u dont like this chap,,, not sayin u should go into the chap hatin in but,,,, dont b surprised if its bad lol love yall

3:00 PM/15:00

 

_private chat between chicken meme and sweet potato_

 

 **chicken meme:** i had kuroo ask tsukishima why he was sad and he said it was because he did something wrong. he didn't say anything else after that, sorry if this wasn’t what you wanted me to find out.

 **sweet potato:** nno no its fine! except now i feel guilty…

 **sweet potato:** u uh anyways!! thank u for asking him kenma!! I appreciate it!!

 **chicken meme:** no problem

 

May 10, 2016

 

2:40 PM/14:40

 

 **owlkaashi:** What did you make this group chat for, Oikawa-senpai?

 **aliens exist:** i did it 4 the aliiens (*_ _)人 all hail the alliens

 **chicken meme:** the aliens say ur a Bitch

 **chicken meme:** sorry kuroo took my phone

 **chicken meme:** but i agre with him

 **aliens exist:** one mor jab @ me and i'm telling evry1s crushes of ther feeligns

 **owlkaashi:** Bokuto-san already knows about my feelings. We’re dating.

 **chicken meme:** i dont havea crush on anyone

 **aliens exist:** ya u do! i can tell by the way u didn't put a “ ‘ “ mark on don't and u typed quickly, , resutliting in the a not beingspaced away from have!!

 **chicken meme:** bye

 **sweet potato:** oikawa senpai!! dont threaten peipole!

 **aliens exist:** u can't stop me yaam-cahnn,, ヾ(＠⌒▽⌒＠)ﾉ

 **sweet potato:** i still have your nude phhot9o

 **sweet potato:** aand i can uploda it  to the internett

 **aliens exist:** (*ﾟﾛﾟ)  yamachaan  i cannot BELIFEVE YOU

 **sweet potato** : i'm only ddoign thsi becaouse its not nice to point out things like that!! u should know better!

 **yahaba-s:** yamaguchi, you’re truly pure

 **yahaba-s:** but really oikawa-senpai, pointing out people’s crushes? that’s kind of low.

 **yahaba-s:** at least do it in private when someone’s crush isn’t in the same group chat.

 **sweet potato:** i am. leaving.

 **chicken meme:** me too, you guys are boreing

 **aliens exist:** o(╥﹏╥)o all my kouhais are leaving me….

 **chicken meme:** that sucks

 **owlkaashi:** It’s probably because you act a bit like an asshole, if I may say that.

 **yahaba-s:** lol always count on akaashi to deliver the savage roasts

 **sweet potato:** anyways i gtg now!! talk 2 you guys later!

 **chicken meme:** see you, yamaguchi

 **aliens exist:** GB MY FAAAAVE KOUHAI WHO SHOULD LOVE ME THE MOST IN THE WORLD ╰(▔∀▔)╯

 **sweet potato:** uhhh, goodbye oikawwa-senpai??

 **aliens exist:** u didnnt agree tht i'm the senpai u love omost in the worjd…. (╥﹏╥)

 **sweet potato:** well uh i do love you al ot

 **sweet potato:** bbut i alsop loeve my teammates who r senpais alot…

 **sweet potato:** except tanaka because he always bulies tsukki in a pasive aggressive way and sure tsukki deserves it but its MEAN and he should shut up

 **chicken meme:** lol aare you in love with tsukishima-san

 **sweet potato:** what of course not!

 **owlkaashi:** Well, you do talk about him a lot, and you two seem very close.

 **aliens exist:** oho~ boys, boys, I can assure you there is nothing between yama-chan or Bitchy Megane

 **sweet potato** : don't call tsukki names!! 

 **aliens exist:** thot u 2 were not frineds anymore???

 **sweet potato:** ...but hes still my best friend even if we fought!! I can't just abandon himlike that! and besides he apologized…

 **aliens exist:** nd jsut when i thot i had u 4 myself….. (╯︵╰,)

 **sweet potato:** oikawa senpai its not niice 2 wanna steal some1s friends away!!!

 **aliens exist:** yeah thatss why i do it yama-chan! so ppl get hurt!!

 **chicken meme:** that’s dark

 **yahaba-s:** I figured tbh. seems like something you would do, senpai.

 **aliens exist:** I WAS JOKKING WHY ATER YOU GIYS SO MENA TO ME (ノ_<、)

 **owlkaashi:** You make it kind of easy, senpai.

 **aliens exist:** u kno what??

 **aliens exist:** my new fave kouhai is yacchan~

 **aliens exist:** if u dont mind giys i'm addin her in

 **aliens exist:** well i'm ognna do it anyaays jsutj wanna let ya no

 **sweet potato:** u mean yachi-san??

 **aliens exist:** YA

 

[aliens exist added shy dog into the conversation]

 

 **aliens exist:** YOOHOO, YACCHAN DID U MISS ME \\(￣▽￣)/

 **shy dog:** JSUTGDRIUGJNE RUDF

 **chicken meme:** same honestly

 **sweet potato:** hi yachi-san!!!

 **shy dog:** uuh hii!!!!!

 **owlkaashi:** Hello, Yachi-san.

 **aliens exist:** yacchan u my new fave kouhai

 **shy dog:** uUH GOTTAR TOGO

 **sweet potato:** bye nacho-yacho-yachi-san!

 **shy dog:** I TOHUGHT WE AGREED OT NEVBER CALL ME THAT AGAIN

 **owlkaashi:** I assume there is a backstory?

 **sweet potato:** lol so its funny one time wer wetre at kageyamas working aon a group project for art argrgirfhyowe

 **sweet potato:** Crisis averted, Yachi-san.

 **sweet potato:** QHWAT THE FUCK HOW DID TSUKK IG ET HER E SO QUUCIKEL WHWAT THE UCKF

 **shy dog:** thtanks tsukishima-kun!!

 **aliens exist:** um HELLO WHAT IS HAPPIENGIN

 **sweet potato:** Shut up, attention whore.

 **aliens exist:** whyle i canno t deny the fact i dol love attention i will nto stand 2 be disrespected by somone yunger htan me

 **chicken meme:** ur face sucks and youre hair is probably just the result of expensive products.

 **chicken meme:** oops I didn’t mean to hit send

 **aliens exist:** KOZUMECHAN

 **owlkaashi:** Get rekt. I believe I used that right.

 **yahaba-s:** oi oi respect your senpais.

 **yahaba-s:** that being said I agree with you kozume.

 **aliens exist:** I HATE YOU ALL

 **chicken meme:** lol

 **sweet potato:** anyways gtg soon!! bye!

 

_private chat between chicken meme and sweet potato_

 

 **chicken meme:** hey what’s the story with yachi’s name

 **sweet potato:** ooh hello KENMA

 **sweet potato:** sshit *kenma

 

‘Yamaguchi must use my name in caps lock a lot if it’s correcting to capslock. So by that theory he must talk about me enough to make it think caps lock is default. Then that raises the question- does he talk shit about me or not?’ Kenma thought as he laid on his bed. He stared blankly at his video game and his character died a horrible, tragic un-memelike death. His phone chimed as he got another message.

 

 **sweet potato:** uuh anywaus!!! so we were at kagaeyamas bc art project….and DON’T TELL ANYONE OR THE SENPAIS BUT….tsukkistole beer from his brother and we all drank and got drunk (we’ve all done it before a vouple but keep it a secret!!!) and yachi she stutters and fumbmbles with her words normlayl so whnw shes drunk shes rlly abd wiht words so she accidentally called ehrself nacho and we laughed ans she was like “oh no thats nt my name!” and so she said “yacho!” and then hinata fell aslepp and yachi finally figured outher name,

 **chicken meme:** weren’t you about to tell the senpais about this? why should i have to keep it a secret?

 **sweet potato:** shhit i didn't think of that! thanks kenma i'm glad tsukki stoppedme from tellin anyone esle the story! but pleas eodnt tell anoyone!!!

 **chicken meme:** okay.

 **sweet potato:** ohhh no are u mad or disappontined??!?!?! im so sorry!!

 **chicken meme:** no it’s fine i was just getting ice cream

 **sweet potato:** oh ojkajy!!!

 **chicken meme:** you suck at typing.

 **chicken meme:** i didn’t mean to press send oops

 **sweet potato:** lol i know its jus htat i don't like to go bakc and fix mistadkes   
**chicken meme:** hmm. I can see the appeal in not having to fix mistakes

 **sweet potato:** yeah!!! its super easy to jus not carer aouit them!

 **chicken meme:** okaisehntIAHTUR

 **chicken meme:** OHOHO HUN HEYA ITS BOKUTO AND KUROO WE’RE HERE TO TELL YA THAT WE THINK U SHOULD DATE ETETGHITH

 **chicken meme:** they’re dead to me

 **sweet potato:** uum, okayy i tihnk? wat just happened??

 **chicken meme:** nothing, nothing at all.

 **sweet potato:** kk!! uh i gtg 2 art class so il text u later ??

 **sweet potato:** i i mena only if u wnat me to..

 **chicken meme:** yeah, sure

 **chicken meme:** what time does your art class end?

 **sweet potato:** oh oh uh ill be don in 2 hrs?? But its onl an hourur long and i have to go totsukkis to talk about our fight so i can text you around 17:00-18:00??

 **chicken meme:** yeah sounds fine

 **chicken meme:** talk to you later, tadashi

 **chicken meme:** *yamaguchi

 

‘Shit,’ Kenma thought. From next to his shoulder, Kuroo squawked with laughter at Kenma’s mistake. Kenma took his head and threw it to the side, hitting Kuroo’s in the process and making the older male choke on his spit.

 

“Kenma!” Kuroo admonished, sounding scandalized. “What have I told you about doing that?!”

 

“You’ve said not to do it.” Kenma replied as he stared at his phone screen blankly, his mind screaming that damned american pacer test as he realized he fucked up and called Yamaguchi by his first name.

 

Bokuto moaned heavily, breaking the tense silence, and Kenma’s eyes darted over to where he was sitting with Akaashi.

 

“Are you giving Bokuto-senpai a handjob on my beanbag?” Kenma inquired. Akaashi guiltily removed his hand from Bokuto’s tented shorts and wiped it on the owl-like teen’s shirt.

 

“No,” Akaashi answered. Their shared groupchat made Akaashi’s phone ding a foot away from the beanbag. Everyone ignored it.

 

“Yes,” Bokuto answered. Akaashi shot him a glare and elbowed his ribs, making Bokuto yelp. “What? It’s true!” He exclaimed, holding his abused side delicately.

 

“Well you don’t need to tell him that,” Akaashi whispered harshly through clenched teeth.

 

“Oh c’mon, we’re all pals anyways! What’s a matter with two bros seeing their other two bros get off?” Bokuto asked.

 

It was at this point that Kuroo stepped into the discussion.

 

“Bro,” He started sympathetically. “You know how much I’d like to watch. Seriously. But…” He trailed off and looked to the floor, ignoring Bokuto’s crestfallen and heartbroken expression. “Tsu-Tsu believes getting off to a bro is ‘cheating’. And while I don’t agree with him, I respect his wishes and opinions.”

 

“Kuro,” Kenma started, ignoring Bokuto and Kuroo’s heartfelt bromantic conversation. “I need your help.”

 

“With what?” He asked.

 

“I need to delete the internet, and my last two messages to Yamaguchi.” Kenma answered after a fifteen second silence where the other three occupants of the room had begun to squirm with anticipation and nervousness. After all, it wasn’t just any day that Kenma asked for help.

 

“Oh, phew,” Bokuto looked relieved, wiping fake sweat from his brow. “I thought you needed help with something important!”

 

Kenma scowled at Bokuto, who wilted slightly at the mean look he was getting.

 

“Now, now,” Kuroo started sympathetically, putting his hands on Kenma’s shoulders. “This is important to Kenma, and we shouldn’t make him think his problems are unimportant, no matter how ridiculous-”

 

Chime. Kenma had a text back.

 

 **sweet potato:** uuh if you want tou you cancall me by my first name???

 

“O shit,” Bokuto said. “It’s gettin heated up in here!”

 

Bokuto snickered at his joke that really only made sense to him, and Kenma typed out a reply quickly.

 

 **chicken meme:** sure

 **sweet potato:** anywayys gtg now!!!

 **chicken meme:** alright, talk to you later

 

“Beauty meme of only eighteen,” Kuroo sung quietly. Kenma didn't know why his friend was singing, since he doesn’t really pay attention to what Kuroo says if it’s only about memes. Bokuto began to hum and add to the stupid meme song that Kenma was pretty sure they were making up on the spot.

 

“He had some trouble with his meeeemes. I was always there to help him. But he already belonged to-” Bokuto and Kuroo sung in harmony, their mayonnaise-like voices creating the perfect condiment. Kenma wasn't entirely sure how their voices were like mayonnaise, but one time he got real fucked up with a friend and he began to think that Kuroo and Bokuto had mayonnaise like personalities, and it kind of just stuck.

 

“Shrek,” Akaashi interrupted sorrowfully. His sad dark eyes looked downwards at his phone. Kenma could see the orange lining on the screen- which meant Akaashi was on Wattpad.

 

“What,” Kenma said.

 

“-to thOSE GODDAMN ARTHUR MEMES LIKE WHAT THE _F U C K-_ ” Bokuto began to screech his homemade version of the song painfully, and everyone in the room covered their ears. Bokuto shut his mouth with a clank, like a robot would, and he stared at the ground guiltily.

 

“Bro, that’s not how the song goes,” Kuroo reminded the owl-like boy. Bokuto turned away and wiped a stray tear off his cheek with one of Kenma’s dirty socks that he grabbed from the carpet.

 

“But Bro.” Bokuto let out a hiccuped sob and threw himself onto the floor. “I HATE THOSE GODDAMN ARTHUR MEMES!” He wailed, draping his torso onto Kenma’s pale, shiningly silky legs (he shaved and moisturized earlier).

 

“That sucks,” Kenma said dispassionately.

 

“Nobody cares about my feelings!” Bokuto continued to cry onto Kenma’s legs, and the blond haired boy took pity on the owl’s poor soul.

 

Reaching towards his desk cabinet and towards his locked drawer, he pulled the key off his neck and unlocked it. Kenma reached a hand in, and, after grabbing what he was looking for, pulled it out and dropped it onto Bokuto’s lap.

 

“Shrek cares about your feelings,” Kenma answered flatly as Bokuto stared at the green Shrek plushie in bitter agony.

 

“Shrek isn’t real,” He whimpered.

 

“YOU TAKE THAT BACK-” Akaashi’s indignant shout was unexpected. However, Kuroo being a memer as well as a JOHN CENA KNOCKOFF™, had bulging muscles that could stop the beautiful, raven-haired boy from pouncing on his boyfriend.

 

Kenma sighed. Why did Akaashi have to be obsessed with Shrek? Why was Bokuto such a drama queen? Why was Kuroo being unhelpful?

 

“Everybody, get out of my house,” Kenma said with a dispassionate, age-old sigh.

  
  


“Do I really have to do this?” Tsukishima sighed as he stood in a dinosaur onesie before Yamaguchi. The shorter boy nodded and clicked the camera app on his phone, holding it up to get a perfect view.   
  
“And you’ll forgive me after this?” Tsukishima asked. Yamaguchi nodded his head in affirmative.   
  
The blonde sighed, and began to kind of sing. “Open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur,”   
  
He sucked, but hey it was the thought that counted. Also he gave Yamaguchi a new set of oil pastels that he’d needed so he considered his blonde tall friend forgiven, but he’d always wanted leverage over Tsukki.   
  
With five new photos and a new video of Tsukishima in a dinosaur suit, he was pretty fulfilled with this night. The only thing that would be better would be if he could talk to Kenma even more. Because Kenma is s o  c u t e and looks so cuddly and would probably be adorable as fuck in one of Yamaguchi’s t-shirts.   


  


“Alright, kiddos, now I’m gonna teach you how to do an overhand serve~!” Oikawa’s cheery voice rang throughout the gym. Back at his weekly teaching job, he began to teach the demon monkeys what he was passionate about.

 

Volleyball.

 

“I don’t wanna!” A thin, twiggy little kid whined.

 

“Well tough shi- luck, tough luck kid.” Oikawa said as he through the volleyball up in the air. “Life isn’t fair,” He answered wistfully.

 

Bringing a hand up to put his whistle in his mouth, he blew it rEEEEEAL HARD (just like how he blows his good ol’ thicc thighed thicc dicked iwa-chan after practice-)

 

“Okay, kids, get in position!” He yelled. “Yes, yes, that’s good Akio,” He praised a little boy with blond hair, unknowing about the bitchy attitude the midget boy had.

 

“Shut up, you sissy bitch,” Akio muttered angrily. Well, seems like Akio doesn’t wanna be here. Most of the snot-nosed brats could relate.

 

Oikawa recoiled. “Excuse me?” He asked indignantly. “Shut the actual heck up, you’re like literally five. I could serve you over this goddamn net-”

 

“OIKAWA!”

 

Shit.

 

The supervisor guy, who comes and checks up on the teenagers who teach the kids, had apparently come to see their group without Oikawa noticing.

 

“Yes sir?” Oikawa turned towards Supervisor Hashimoto and gave him an angelic smile.

 

“Come here, we need to talk.” Hashimoto hissed, and Oikawa nervously followed him.

 

“Look, Oikawa,” Hashimoto blew a breath out resignedly, and in this moment Oikawa knew he should start looking for another job. Preferably one that pays better. “You’re a good kid. Talented one, too, from what I’ve heard. But you can’t just blow up on children like that. You’re eighteen, you should know better than to tell a six year old you’ll serve him over the net.”

 

“Sir, please-” Oikawa began to plead. “It was a mistake- I haven’t been having the best of times recently- my grandfather died recently, and-” He stopped to fake a shuddering breath and squeezed his eyes shut, playing the part of an emotional teen. “I just- I don’t know what to do anymore. He and I were super close, and-”

 

He peeked open his eyes to see Hashimoto staring at him pitifully. “Well,” The half-bald man started. “If that’s the case, then. . . I suppose I can still allow you to teach here. But no more mess ups! Next time I hear you blew up on a kid, you’re fired.” Hashimoto said sternly, wagging a finger at Oikawa.

 

“I understand, sir!” Oikawa said cheerfully.

 

“But,” Hashimoto began. “I want you to take the rest of the night off. I’ll have Shimizu teach your group for tonight.”

 

But I don’t have a ride, Oikawa thought with alarm. And like hell I’m walking in the pouring rain just to get home!

 

“Okay,” Oikawa said, not voicing his inner panic.

  


**aliens exist:** IWACAHN HELPE ITS FREESING OTUSIDE AND CODL NDDAND RAINING HEELP HOW DO I GET HOEM

 **godzilla4ever:** sucks to be you

 **godzilla4ever:** btw ur mom made spaghetti so come home soon if u want any bc i'm hungry and i'm gonna eat ur share if u aren't home

 **aliens exist:** IAWACHAN

  


**aliens exist:** GUYUYS HELP

 **chickenmeme:** what is wrong

 **Owlkaashi:** Did you get a dildo stuck up your ass?

 **aliens exist:** no wtf

 **aliens exist:** I'M STUCK OUT IN THE OPOURING RIAN BECOS I THREATEIND TO SEREFVE A SMAL CHILD OVER THE VOLTBALL NET

 **yahaba-s:** I live close to where you work, I think.

 **yahaba-s:** just walk over here.

 **aliens exist:** NO IEM NOT RUING N M Y HAIR JUST 2 GET OUT OF THE COLD

 **shy dog:** uujm my mom aand me r on our way home from a business dinner thing and she has a car so we coujd maybe pick u up and take u home??

 **shy dog:** ii mean only if u want 1 !!!

 **aliens exist:** and i saw my savior,

the name shy dog on my screen,

and i was reminded there is a god in the world,

and He has taken pity on me

 **aliens exist:** YES YOU CAN CIME PICK ME UP

 **aliens exist:** IIM AT THE RECREATTION CENTER ON THE CORNER OF FITH AND HARAJUKU

 **shy dog:** oh were really clsoe to there!! we’ll be there in three minutesish.

  


“Thank you so much for picking me up, Yacchan!” Oikawa said as he climbed into the back of the expensive car. Yachi smiled at him and nodded her head.

 

“It wasn’t a problem,” Yachi’s mother called from the front of the car. “But I can see back there, so if you even try to touch my daughter-”

 

“Mom, please,” Yachi interrupted her mother’s long-ass protective rant. Oikawa felt blessed. “He’s gay.”

 

Oikawa squawked. “Yacchan!” He yelled, scandalized.

 

Yachi’s face colored red and she waved her hands in the air in an attempt to dissolve Oikawa’s apparent anger.

 

“I’m sorry!” She apologized, her pearl necklace dangled off her neck and clinked against her matching bracelets. “I didn’t know you didn’t want anyone to know- Hey, that’s Yamaguchi-kun who’s walking!” Yachi pointed out the window at someone who had a black and white umbrella. Oikawa thought it was aesthetic as fuck.

 

He rolled down the window, ignoring the rain and Yachi and her mother’s squawk, and screamed, “HIYA, YAMA-CHAN!”

 

Yamaguchi screamed and threw himself into a bush to the left of him. Oikawa frowned at that, but couldn’t yell anything because Yachi had pulled him away from the glass. He rolled the window up and they continued their drive, with Oikawa telling Yachi’s mother where to turn every few moments.

 

Eventually, he made his way home, thanked the two profusely, and made his way inside.

 

“Yoohoo, I’m home~” Oikawa called out. The clinking of silverware in the kitchen sounded through his ears and he smelt the delicious smell of spaghetti. Peeling off his shoes and designer trench coat, he made his way to the food.

 

Only to discover there was none left, and a happy, full Iwa-chan smiling smugly at him from Oikawa’s seat at the table.

 

“IWA-CHAN YOU MOTHERFUCKER!”

  


**sweet potato:** kenma!! u woudlkyn BELIBE ehat just hapened

 **chicken meme:** what happened

 **sweet potato:** i was wlakin home from tsukkis and somone screamed “yama-chan!!!” and i go t so scared i jumped into a bush!!

 **chicken meme:** isn't that what oikawa-senpai calls you

 **sweet potato:**!!! UR RIGHT AMND IT SPUNDED LOKE HIM OMG

 **chicken meme:** lol

 **sweet potato:** heyy wayts ut faveorite color!!!!??

 **chicken meme:** red

 **sweet potato:** cool!! I like red and yello and orrange but also green and the other colors!!!

 **chicken meme:** that’s a lot of favorite colors

 **sweet potato:** lol i jsutu can't chosoe!

 **chicken meme:** my favorite food is apple pie

 **sweet potato:** i know

 **sweet potato:** wait shit i mean umum

 **chicken meme:** i’ll just ignore that

 **chicken meme:** what’s youre favorite food

 **sweet potato:** salty floppy french fries!!

 **chicken meme:** as much as i like talking to you i think i have to go to the hospital

 **chicken meme:** kuroo is bleeding profusely all over my white carpet

 **chicken meme:** sigh

 **chicken meme:** he’s paying for a replacement

 **sweet potato:** OHMY GOODNESS KENMA U GOTTA TAKE HIM TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM!!! TELL ME HOW HE IS!! TELL TSUKKI!! OH MAN I'M OGNANAC CRY I'M SO SOCARED FOR HIM

 **sweet potato:** WHATH HIF HE IDES WHAT WILL TSUKKI DO

 **sweet potato:** MAKES URE TO KEEP ME UPSIDTATED

 **chicken meme:** false alarm. he was practicing his halloween costume. even though it’s may.

 **sweet potato:** oH THANK GODDNES

 **sweet potato:** SMAKC HIM HE HA ME WORRIED

 **sweet potato:** OTI TS NOT NITCE TO MAKE PEPL SCARED LOKEK THAT

 **chicken meme:** lol

 **chicken meme:** ttyl tadashi

 **sweet potato:** kk bye!!!

  


EXTRA:

 

“Babe,” Bokuto said hesitantly as he walked home, hand in hand with Akaashi.

 

“Yes?” His beautiful boyfriend hummed as they walked.

 

Bokuto took a deep breath, and stopped walking, with Akaashi following suit. His boyfriend stared at him curiously, but Bokuto had to gather his courage to sate that damned inquisitiveness. “Do you love Shrek more than me?” He finally asked.

 

Akaashi began to sweat nervously. “N-No,” He said, avoiding Bokuto’s eyes. He dug his hands into his sweatshirt pockets, leaving Bokuto’s hands alone in the cold, harsh wind.

 

“Of course I don’t love Shrek more than you, hahaha,” Akaashi said a little bit hysterically. “I mean w-who would he’s just an ugly green ogre-” Akaashi pulled his hand out of his pocket harshly, accidentally knocking out a large amount of pictures. They spread out on the sidewalk and road.

 

Bokuto flipped a handful of them over to see Shrek. “Babe!” He said, feeling betrayed.

 

“Shit, baby, those aren’t mine-” Akaashi tried to reassure Bokuto. The beautiful boy then tripped on a rock, and the other pocket’s contents fell out. A Shrek keychain, a small Shrek memopad, a Shrek pen, a Shrek condom- what the fuck.

 

“Bokuto-san. . .” Akaashi tried, his voice sounding the tiniest bit apologetic. “I’m sorry.”

 

Akaashi stared up from his long eyelashes and into Bokuto’s eyes. Before him, Bokuto’s body began to morph, turning green. Akaashi gasped.

 

“Koutarou. . .” He whispered quietly in awe. Bokuto lifted a green finger to his lips and hushed him.

 

“There is no Koutarou anymore,” The newly-turned Ogre whispered lovingly as he caressed Akaashi’s cheek. “There is only Shrek. . .”

 

Akaashi woke up from his dream with a startled cry.

 

“Babe, you okay?” Bokuto asked sleepily. It was three AM and Akaashi had been acting differently since earlier that day when he read some sort of Shrek/Reader wattpad fanfiction. Maybe he was traumatized and having nightmares. Bokuto didn’t know.

 

“I’m fine,” Akaashi said solemnly, staring at his hidden Shrek poster. “Go back to sleep, Bokuto-san.”

 

Life was hard for one Akaashi Keiji.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me which ship u want to read about next chapter
> 
> ALSO KUDOS COMMENT BOOKMARK AND SUBSCRIBE pls give me feedback and lov bc im a thirsty hoe but also cuzz if u dont im gonna stop writng this 4ever and yall aint gonna figure out why akaashi lovs shrek
> 
> p l e a s e
> 
> anyways love yall and sorry i havent replied to yalls comments im just lazy as fuck lol


	5. spaghetti and boobs and also Yamaguchi's Fuck Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yahabae and his daddy ! eat spaghetti and he hates dogs becos hes jealous of them. yachi really loves kiyokos boobs. yamaguchi panics and types things that He Regrets a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um so earlier today i was like "hmm i gotta update but i dont /feel/ like it so ill do it next weekend" and so then i went to read haikyuu fics and i seen this one chat group fic called 'eric nyam!~ by loleafa (tihnk thas the name) and i got INSPIRATION and so thank u for writin that fic, yo, u gave me inspiration 4 writin this chapter. btw love ya fic if u ever read this. boi. word. anyways yeah hope u like it and if u hate it dont tell me im sensitive.

 

“Stop being a lazy piece of shit and go get me a muffin,” Kyoutani said distractedly as he played with a little pupper on his bed. 

“Go fuck yourself, you disgusting pile of trash,” Yahaba replied in a sickeningly sweet voice as he typed furiously on his computer from the fuzzy carpeted floor (he was only sitting on the floor because SOMEBODY had pushed him off the bed to make room for their new dog).

May 12, 2016

 

3:04 PM/15:04

 

**yahaba-s:** sometimes I really want to kick kentarou so hard he falls through a window.

  
  


“Love you too,” Kyoutani said gruffly. He stood up off the bed and made his way to the kitchen. When he passed Yahaba, the pretty boy smacked his ass. 

 

“Love dat ass,” Yahaba whispered as Kyoutani began to fast-walk away.

  
  


**shy dog:** !!! what did he do?!?!

**yahaba-s:** well he kicked me off the bed to make room for his dog and then he told me to go get him a muffin so I’m channeling my inner oikawa and acting like a brat.

**chicken meme:** lol

**chicken meme:** act like your the dog and when he comes back keep barking and make the dog take your place so he gives you love and the dog doesn’t get any 

**yahaba-s:** wtf

**yahaba-s:** you know what why not

**yahaba-s:** say hello to kiyoshi the dog

**yahaba-s:** djgjgh owrw k

**chicken meme:** hello, kiyoshi the dog

**shy dog:** AWWWW WHAT A CUTE PUP AWWW HE TTRIED TO TYPE HESS OCUTE AWWW

**chicken meme:** youre very enthusiastic about dogs

**shy dog: I** HAVE FIVE

**owlkaashi:** ...Wow. That’s an impressive amount.

**yahaba-s:** sssssdddfggg

  
  


“Arf.” Yahaba said as Kyoutani walked in. The dog was curiously butting its nose against the keys of Yahaba’s shitty, broken computer, and was even wearing Yahaba’s fedora that he wore to the movies last week and left at his stupid fucking boyfriend’s house. 

 

“What the fuck.” Kyoutani said after swallowing his bite.

 

“Arfff.” Yahaba batted his eyelashes at Kyoutani, who looked seriously creeped out about the whole thing. 

 

Kyoutani paused for a good fifteen seconds. He then picked up his dog, took the fedora off and threw it in the trashcan (what a rude hoe) and walked out of the room, slamming the door.

  
  


**yahaba-s:** well guys he left the room so I do not think your plan worked.

**yahaba-s:** I’m feeling especially petty and bratty today I’m anxious that oikawa infected me or something. 

**yahaba-s:** we had a sleepover last night and I’m pretty sure he hypnotized me 

**yahaba-s:** well, either that or someone ELSE hypnotized me, and god forbid if that happened. we were the only two home. 

**yahaba-s:** shit I may be hypnotized to act like an asshole.

**chicken meme:** lol

**shy dog:** umm i don't think thats possible??

**yahaba-s:** you’re right. this is probably just my real personality shining through. 

**chicken meme:** lol

**owlkaashi:** I agree. I think you’re naturally like this sometimes. 

**chicken meme:** one time i went to get hypnotized to enjoy sex and i ended up becoming a gang leader in san francisco.

**chicken meme:** it was wild

**chicken meme:** i had like five panic attacks tho so that wasn’t good but i had a fun time in general

**chicken meme:** still asexual tho lol

**yahaba-s:** you’re asexual? cool. 

**yahaba-s:** I can understand that some people don’t like sex however I am not like that. dick me down daddy. 

**owlkaashi:** …

owlkaashi: ……

**shy dog:** !!!! YAHAVA-SENPAI!!!

**yahaba-s:** ...please forget about that…

**aliens exist:** YOOHOO YHA-CHAN (* '▽ `*) I SEE YOURE WITH KYOUKENCHAN~! 

**yahaba-s:** yes, I am…

**yahaba-s:** what do you want?

**aliens exist:** iwa-chans thicc dicc in my ass \ (≧ ▽ ≦) /

**owlkaashi:** It’s time to stop.

**chicken meme:** how do i delete someone else’s messages

**aliens exist:** KENCHAN o (〒﹏〒) o I A MNOFEENDED

**owlkaashi:** Anyways. Do any of you know what to do when you’re in love with a fictional character but also your boyfriend and you can’t get the fictional character out of your head? 

**chicken meme:** um no i think for that you should visit the school counsellor. 

**owlkaashi:** And what is she going to say when I tell her I want to marry Shrek?

**sweet potato:** ...dwhaht

**sweet potato:** wjat is nhappening

**sweet potato:** wjy do u wnatn marry an ugly ogre

**owlkaashi:** You take that back or so help me God, I will find you, and I will beat your ass. 

**aliens exist:** ((╬◣﹏◢)) TAKE TATH NBACK

**owlkaashi:** I apologize. I didn’t mean to go overboard. 

**sweet potato:** did i jsut pee myself

**sweet potato:** ogh no phew

**chicken meme:** lol

**chicken meme:** but uh why shrek

**owlkaashi:** It was two and a half years ago. Around the start of my high school career. I had went home from school early that day, because the nurse said I “had a concussion” and “kept passing out” which, yes, was true, but I was still able to do my work so I wasn’t sure what the fuss was about. Anyways. Both my parents work, so I had to walk home. Which was fine, except I passed out on the sidewalk. Civilians crowded around me, but two figures stood out in the midst of my throbbing head. 

**owlkaashi:** Shrek and Donkey.

**owlkaashi:** My head was bleeding and everyone was trying to call an ambulance. But Shrek didn’t. He held me in his arms and made sure to go with me to the hospital. The person (people?) in the donkey costume had stumbled off to a bus bench to sit on. I didn’t see them again. But Shrek... He stayed with me. 

**owlkaashi:** So, that’s why I love Shrek. 

**sweet potato:** ...THATS OS ROMANCIT!!

**aliens exist:** wosh iwachan an i has that kidna relaionsiop...vary relationsi[ goalsl…

**chicken meme:** im wheezing oh my god i saw that i just didn;t know it was you omg 

**owlkaashi:** Really? Did you see who was in the Shrek suit?

**chicken meme:** not telling lol

**owlkaashi:** I hope your hair falls out next time you bleach it. 

**owlkaashi:** Better yet, just swallow bleach.

**chicken meme:** i wish lol

**sweet potato:** ...KENMA DDONT WUSH FOR DEATH!!

**sweet potato:** tsukki does ti al the mtieme and i m juslike “shutu the fuck upo stuipid whore” bc i cannot live without him!! he is my bff!

**aliens exist:** OOH DAS ME WIHH IWAACHIAN HES ALWAYS LIKKE “id kill mylef to fget awat from you” snd i'm like “SWEATUMS I LOVV U ODNT DO THIS TO ME” and ten he pickd up the lighter and klooks like hes gonna set himslef abalme

**aliens exist:** i always sotop him in time

**chicken meme:** he seems cool

**chicken meme:** and LIT

**chicken meme:** do you get it

**yahaba-s:** lol

  
  


“Oi, Yahaba, get out here!” Kyoutani called from the living room. Yahaba stood up smugly, brushing off the invisible dirt from his clothes. He stared in the mirror and tried to remember he wasn’t Oikawa, so he shouldn’t be salt when he talks to his beautiful, amazing, hot, sexy, annoying, fuckinG PIECE OF SHIT BOYFRIEND WHO CHOSE A D O G  OVER HIS LOVER-

 

“I am a calm, beautiful individual whose self-worth doesn’t depend on if my boyfriend gives me all his attention.” He let out a deep breath, did a few breathing exercises he learned in theater club, and reached for the door to open it-

 

-only to get whacked in the goddamn face because Kyoutani was wondering what the frickin’ fuck was taking Yahaba so long, and came to check on his hot bf.

 

“OW, MOTHER OF FUCK!” Yahaba yelled as blood dripped from his nose and down his face. He held his hand up to stop the flow, but blood really just ended up falling onto his hand and then a puddle on the floor, so that didn’t really work.    
  
Yahaba’s still looking good though. He styled his hair perfectly earlier, wore a great outfit, and brushed his teeth not once, not twice, but three times! It doesn’t matter if he’s got blood dripping down his face, he’s still lookin’ fly as fuck.

 

“Oh shit, sorry, are you okay?” Kyoutani asked awkwardly, and patted Yahaba’s back a few times. Blood dripped onto the floor and Yahaba watched it seep into the small lines between the hardwood. 

 

The pain had lessened into a dull ache. “Yeah, I’m fine,” Yahaba said. “But you owe me now.”

 

“Oh.” Kyoutani frowned. “Do you want like a blowjob, or…?” He trailed off uncertainly. 

 

Yahaba really, really wanted a blowjob. He also, really, really wanted to suck Kyoutani’s dick. But most of all, he wanted one thing. 

 

“Um actually babe, I was thinking about you making spaghetti.” Yahaba responded, ignoring his bleeding and bruised nose for the time being. 

 

“Oh.” Kyoutani raised his eyebrows. “Oh. Okay. I have all the ingredients besides noodles, so I’ll run and get them. Stay here and clean that,” He flung his hand around the general area of the blood, “up. Please. Also, make sure that Rin,” (the dog) “doesn’t lick your blood up.” 

 

“Kk.” Yahaba replied casually, as though his shirt and the floor wasn’t stained by his nose blood.

 

“I’m being serious,” Kyoutani said in a kind of growly voice. “Make sure Rin doesn’t get your stupid AIDs or some shit. It can be transferred through blood, right?” Kyoutani shrugged, kissed his hand and slapped it on Yahaba’s clear-of-blood cheek a few times (so he doesn’t get thos damn AIDs but he still wanna show his hot boyf some affection). Then, he turned around and walked out the bedroom door like a bossass bitch. 

 

“FOR THE LAST TIME, I DO NOT HAVE AIDS! THAT WAS JUST A JOKE THE STUPID ASS ‘MEME TEAM’ MADE UP!” Yahaba yelled indignantly at Kyoutani’s The Bee Movie haircut and broad shoulders. 

 

[“Babe, I think someone’s talking about us,” Matsukawa stopped thrusting his dingaling shlonger donger into Hanamaki. 

 

“What, why?” Hanamaki whispered. “Also keep going, my mayonnaise juice hasn’t rocketed out yet.” 

 

“Well- hnn,” Matsukawa moaned. “We both just sneezed at the same time.” 

 

“Ohhh- _ hhhh _ right, right,” Hanamaki let out a breathy sound, and oh  _ shit  _ there’s some jizz from Matsukawa’s slasher of steel. Thar she blows. 

 

Hanamaki’s mayonnaise packet erupted shortly after.]

 

Kyoutani left and Yahaba went to the bathroom to get a stupid towel to wipe his bleeding nose. But before that. 

 

**yahaba-s:** my nose is bleeding profusely, I haven’t slept in a day, but I’m still ballin’

[inserting one image file]

 

After sending that, Yahaba felt deep regret. ‘Still ballin’?’ The fuck are you, five? He asked himself as he wiped the blood off. He left his phone on the bathroom sink and went to get the cleaning supplies from under the kitchen sink. 

 

After cleaning up his bloody mess and locking the dog in the linen closet (something he’d pay for later when Kyoutani got home) he remembered his phone and went to check it. 

 

**aliens exist:** I’m still ballin’ 

**chicken meme:** I’m still ballin’ 

**shy dog:** o’m so sorry but

**shy dog:** I’m still ballin’ 

**owlkaashi:** ... I’m still ballin’

**sweet potato:** a bird jsut flew ay my window so hard it broke si ts nedck i'm terified

**sweet potato:** oh whaht is this ware we suporying yahabasenpai and his blAallingness?? okay

**sweet potato:** I’m still ballin’

 

“Maybe I should just shoot myself.” Yahaba pondered aloud as he read about how he just became the newest (and what seems to be the first) meme of the group chat. 

 

The front door opened and Yahaba heard “I'm home!” 

 

Oh,  _ shit _ , he didn’t get Rin out of the closet. 

 

“Stay right there!” Yahaba yelled frantically. “I’m gonna come greet you at the doorway!”

 

“Um. Okay?” Kyoutani yells back hesitantly, as if he’s scared of what Yahaba’s gonna do. #relatable. 

 

Yahaba dashed quick to the closet and let the goddamn yapper out. It began to bark and run around Yahaba’s legs, and Yahaba seriously wanted to drop-kick it out the window. 

 

“Did you lock my dog in the fucking closet??” Kyoutani growled from behind Yahaba, obviously aware that his hot, sexy boyf is a dog abuser. 

 

Ah, shit. 

 

“No,” Yahaba replied calmly as he stared at his nails.  _ Gotta file those down so I don't rip a tear in my asshole walls later.  _ “I did no such thing.” 

 

“Whatever,” Kyoutani muttered moodily and stalked towards the kitchen. “C’mon, Rin, let’s get you away from the bad man.”

 

Yahaba squawked indignantly. “The only bad thing here is my sex life!” He yelled out. 

 

Kyoutani ignored him and began to make the spaghetti. Yahaba felt discriminated against. 

  
  


**shy dog:** GGUYS HELP KIYOKO-SENPIA IS COIMING OVE R SND SHES STAYIGN THE NIGHT TONIGHT HLPE WHTAT IF SHE WANTSS TO HABE SEX

**shy dog:** I MEAN I WANNA DO SITF FWITH HER TOO BUT WHAT IF I'M BAD AT EATING PUSSY

**shy dog:** WAS THAT TOO BRASH TO SAY I'M SORRY YBUT HELP WHAT DO I DO 

**aliens exist:** I'M DEAD

**aliens exist:** OHM GOF

**aliens exist:** b callm about it!!! act like a bad bitch !! 

**aliens exist:** also if ur woried then jsust watch a porrno an vcopy it, helped me when i first sucked iwa-chans thicc dicc ヽ(*⌒▽⌒*)ﾉ

**chicken meme:** i can't really help you since i’m one, gay, and two, asexual, but maybe either tell her you’re super bad at eating pussy and all sexual acts and she might thinks it’s cute that you’re inexperienced, or you tell her that and she’s like “yeah ok sure ur bad i bet ur just saying that” and you eat her out and you’re very mediocre and she’s slightly disappointed but hey, at least you warned her before hand

**shy dog:** omg thank u guys but kiyoko senpai is niice! she woulnt be disappointed!! also idk whats going to happen!! but what if she just wants to watch movies!?!!? oh no i probably sound conceited for thinkinh she wants to have sex UGH

**shy dog:** should i get dressed uup?!?!!? 

**chicken meme:** i myself prefer to look like shit when meeting people, since they see me at my worst normally so when i look okay there like “wow, he looks okay.” 

**chicken meme:** it works wonders in making people have no expectations for you. 

**chicken meme:** for my whole first year of middle school i did the least amount of classwork and the teachers thought i was a lazy piece of shit, but when we did a test to see our intelligence levels i tried on it and they kept trying to recommend me to gifted children schools 

**chicken meme:** anyways moral of this is keep putting yourself down and downplay yourself and your success aloud so you don’t disappoint people if there’s something you cannot do well and they think you can. at least they won't be surprised with the disappointment, since that’s how you make them feel all the time. 

**sweet potato:** omg kenma!!! are u okay??!!

**chicken meme:** no, because life is a game and i have depression and hate myself and the only people who make me happy are bokuto, akaashi, kuroo, and you guys. 

**chicken meme:** also memes, they make me happy

**chicken meme:** and food. but food isn’t humans. aren’t humans? isn’t humans? which is correct?? idk. anyways yachi just make sure you don’t seem overconfident or arrogant and make sure its consensual and she doesn't have high expectations for you

**aliens exist:** holy shhitt this is the most my cute ken-chan has ever sent in the chat!!! MOMMAS OROUD!! 

**chicken meme:** i'm just having a good day, thats all

**aliens exist:** alslo idk i think its isn't but maynbe change the ‘humman’s because then ittls sound better

**shy dog:** SHSEAT THE DOORIM ONLY IN A PAIR OF DOG UNDIE S HELP

**shy dog:** PPPANICKIN

**aliens exist:** SCCREAM FOR HER TO HANG ON AND THROW SOME CLOSE ON GIRL

**shy dog:** OJKAY HTHAINKS

  
  


“AAAAAHH!” Yachi screamed instead of yelling “Hang on boo, I’m naked lol.” Kiyoko’s knocking halted for a second, and she let out a hesitant, “Yachi?” 

 

“U-UM SORRY I’M UH, NAKED, UH,” Yachi yelled as she struggled to clasp her bra and stick her legs in her shorts at the same time. 

 

Kiyoko was silent through the door, and Yachi finally got decent. She stumbled over to the door and threw it open with the power of hulk. 

 

“Hello, Hitoka-chan,” Kiyoko said with an endearing smile. Love arrows shot into Yachi’s heart and she cried on the inside about how cute Kiyoko is. Outwardly her face became red and she stuttered out a good “hiya senpai”. 

 

She let the older girl in and for a while, they only sat and talked about random things, but they also had a heated gossip conversation about that one girl who keeps trying to get Tanaka’s attention by doing stupid stunts (ex. parachuting off the school roof, breakdancing on his lunch table, slapping his ass and running away, etc). It was about an hour after Kiyoko had arrived that Yachi remembered her manners. 

 

“U-um, so like, do you want something to eat??” Yachi asked in fear that Kiyoko would say yes and she would have to cook something. What if she messes it up because she’s under pressure? Should they order take-out instead?? Oh but what if Kiyoko hates take-out, oh goodness Yachi, you idiot you shouldn’t have said anything-

 

“No thank you, I ate before coming here.” Kiyoko answered with a smile. Yachi felt relieved and nodded gratefully with a smile. 

 

“U-uh okay, so do you wanna watch a movie?” 

  
  


Ten mins into the movie and they were doing the kiss-kiss smooch thing and Yachi was sure she had a girl boner. Kiyoko has really nice, large boobs, by the way.

  
  


**shy dog:** GUYS

**shy dog:** I'M SOS HAPYP 

**aliens exist:** ooh did u guys have SEX ??

**shy dog:** uuumm define sex

**aliens exist:** OOOH U A BAD BITCH!!! TELL MEA ALL HTE DIETAILS I'M SO CURIOSUS!! ヽ(・∀・)ﾉ

**shy dog:** NNO I ACANT ITS EMBATRASING

**sweet potato:** YACHI-SAN I CANNOT B E L I E V E YOU ARHNE AHAVING SEX

**sweet potato:** nt that its ad but ii just toho9uht u werrer realy incoent

**shy dog:** uum i'm sirry but imm not that innocent

**aliens exist:** YU GO GIRL U TEL NJIM]

**yahaba-s:** I love spaghetti

**aliens exist:** wise words

**chicken meme:** i think i just cut my arm very baddly, 

**chicken meme:** ouchch gota go

**sweet potato:** HAWHU WHAT KENAMA KENMA KENMA WAHATS WROG ARE YOUY NOKAY OPELASE OD NT DIE I LOV U

**sweet potato:** i mean what are you oksy

**sweet potato:** haha who sia d that up ther?/

**aliens exist:** yamachian…. (ノ_ <。)

**aliens exist:** oh yamachan,,,

**sweet potato:** wjos yamahcian

**sweet potato:** ohh lok my dad jus gave me 20 dollars time ot buy an itunes card for myseitc messneger bye i hate eveyhong

**yahaba-s:** you played yourself, yamaguchi

**sweet potato:** shsh ur moutgh m sensitive 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if yall dont give me comments and kudos and bookmarks and subscriptions imma cry but thank yall so much for all the ones ive already gotten,, leave in the comments what you want to see next and what u liked,, i'l ltry to reply but Im Lazy so,,, love yall,,,


	6. gay lmao

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yams is so gay for kenma. tsukishima had a bad emo phase. kuro yink yonks his wink wonk. dating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoooooooooooooyaaaaaaaa its been many days like 21-22 since i updated hope yall aint salt abt that but anywaySSSS
> 
> i hab a beta reader now its kimchi_waffles lolol shes great
> 
> also chapter is dedicated 2 u, ftbirdboy, becos i lov ur comments!!! hope u likke dis chapter (now now kids dont be jelos i dnt play favrites)
> 
> hope it aint shitty lololololol also if theres anything wrong with the formatting pls tell me thx

 

May 13, 2016   
  
11:03 AM   
  
“Tsukki! Stop laughing, I’m going through a crisis!” Yamaguchi wailed over facetime. Tsukishima kept laughing as Yamaguchi tried telling his story again.    
  
“So Kenma said he cut himself very badly- but it was on accident!- and so I asked what was wrong and accidentally typed that I love him! What do I do?!” Yamaguchi cried, feeling like life was hopeless and he should just end it drowning in a bathtub. Maybe with a bath bomb. Lavender scented. Does Kenma like lavender?   
  
Tsukishima held his hand over his mouth to silence his unmanly giggles, and Yamaguchi adopted the nationally known Teacher Look™ (the “I’ll wait” face). He pursed his lips and stared unamusedly at his best friend who he’s not mad at anymore. Tsukishima laughed a bit quieter, but straightened up and became meek when Yamaguchi whispered one measly sentence that could ruin his reputation.    
  
“I’ll send pictures of your emo phase to Kuroo.”   
  
Tsukishima was Tsuffering. He went through an emo phase when he was, like, 12 and he dyed his hair black and got a lip piercing and teased his super-long hair so it would look edgy and scene-like. This phase of his lasted for a good two months before he realized he looked fucking ugly and he got the dye removed and let it fade back to it's original color.    
  
But the damage had already been done. Yamaguchi, who went through his own 90's clothes phase, had taken picture upon picture of Tsukishima’s emo ass (some of which included his actual ass) during the time period where he posted facebook statuses like “My mom won’t buy me any strawberries, i think this is a sign i should kill myself :/” and “no one understands my pain...i'm drowning in my demons…” and “heard my brother laugh at my hair, he’ll never be able to understand my sadness and pain…”   
  
He had the total blackmail material, and Tsukishima is honestly so pissed about it. Yamaguchi went through a 90s clothes phase, but he actually looked really cool (not that Tsukishima told him that). Tsukishima, on the other hand, looked like someone who wrote “RAWR xD c:” and looked like every rock-emo band ever. He looked like a fucking dumbass. It was like a semi ran over all emo shit and then it all transferred to his wardrobe.    
  
His most iconic emo phase memory he remembers is when he was in America on vacation, and he begged his mom to let him go to Warped Tour, where he met a few Chill Dudes. They wanted to see Fall Out Boy in concert but they were too broke, so they came up with the bright idea to steal the intercom thing and say stupid things like “yo momma’s pussy is dry as fuck” and “dick too big for dese pants”.    
  
Tsukishima was really young but super tall and edgy so he added in a few biting, witty jokes that had his friends dying of laughter.    
  
Eventually, he and his friends made a trade with the security, which was the intercom for FOB tickets, and that was that.    
  
Two days later he boarded a plane back to Japan, and later that month he realized 'What the fuck did I do? What the fuck, I’m not some emo piece of shit. I love acoustic love songs and classical music. I don’t like this vampire-ass stupid fucking screaming shit. What the actual fuck.'   
  
Unfortunately, Yamaguchi had already gotten his blackmail, and he used it to torture him when he wanted something important or when he remembered that, you know, he has blackmail material on his best friend.    
  
Tsukishima has many pictures of Yamaguchi in his 90s phase, but he honestly looked super great in all the things he wore and it was just his aesthetic, so it wasn't blackmail material.    
  
“I hope you choke on a dick,” Tsukishima said bitingly. Yamaguchi grinned, but then began to frown and pout as he realized he was going to have to murder himself. How could he fuck up thing with Kenma so colossally? Why did he have to say "I love you"? Like what the h e c k brain??? Stop the freudian slips. It's time to stop. It’s time to f u ck ing s t o p-   
  
“This isn’t fair,” Tsukishima voiced his thoughts. “I have regretted my emo phase for so long, I have repented for it, and just when I was finally beginning to accept it, and move on, what do I get? I get you making a mockery of it. You know how I feel, so why would you do this to me? You know I’m trying to make this work and you’ve put me in such an uncomfortable position-”    
  
“Tsukki, shut your fucking mouth,” Yamaguchi cut him off, feeling very unimpressed while holding a hand up in the STOP! way. “Today is MY day to rant, not yours. Anyways. Should I shoot myself or move to Hawaii and become a surfer? I want to learn how to surf, but I also really think I should just shoot myself. But still, Hawaii,” Yamaguchi said, debating whether to go big or go fucking die.    
  
“I think you should die,” Tsukishima inputted. Yamaguchi gave him a stony look, with hooded eyes and a scowl on his face. It was one of the scariest things Tsukishima had seen Yamaguchi do. Tsukishima’s pasty ass shivered in his computer chair as he thought about how Not To Play Himself and get out of this predicament.    
  
“Just say ‘no homo’,” he finally came up with.    
  
Yamaguchi was wholly unimpressed, and to show it, he hung up on their Skype call.    
  
‘Well, fuck.’ Tsukishima screamed the ABC’s inwardly and got through two minutes of forgetting if M or N comes first and deciding to fuck it and take them out of his own personal alphabet. It was the only way he could calm himself down. He likes having control over things (#powerbottom).   
  
He sighed in acceptance. ‘Guess I better break up with Kuroo before Yamaguchi sends him-’   
  
His phone beeped. One new message.    
  
Annoying Piece of Shit Boyfriend.    
  
He opened it warily and was greeted with full caps and his deep, deep regret and self-hatred from his Emo Phase™ resurfacing.   
  
**Annoying Piece of Shit Boyfriend:** LMAOOOOOOOO YOU FUCKN NERD YOU WERE S O FUCKIN EMO I'M HANGNG THESE PHOTOS UP ONMY WALLS I'M AUCTIONING THEM OFF TO EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER MADE FUN OF LMAO I'M DEAD YOU FUCKIN RAWRASS BITCH BOY!!! CHRIST TSUKKI WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF   
  
**Me:** kys asshole   
  
Tsukishima was truly Tsuffering.   
  
11:56 AM   
  
**sweet potato:** TTSUJI HELP    
**sweet potato:** [inserting: one image file]   
**sweet potato:** THHERUESR  A SPIRDER ON MY BED    
**sweet potato:** OM SORROY FOR SOENDINF KUORO THE FOTOS OF YUOR EMO PHASE OK    
**sweet potato:** PLESE COME KILO THE SPRDER   
**owlkaashi:** Wrong chat, Yamaguchi.   
**aliens exist:** OOOH? SPIDER? I’LL BEAT UT UP! (๑و•̀ω•́)و COME AT ME   
**yahaba-s:** oikawa-senpai, what’s wrong? your typing is way better than usual   
**aliens exist:** O TURNEDO N AUTOCORRECT    
**sweet potato:** HWLP ITS CRAWINF TOWARSDS ME    
**chicken meme:** take your hand   
**chicken meme:** and slam it down as fast and hard as you would if it was oikawa-senpai’s face    
**owlkaashi:** I’d kill it right on the spot. Lol.   
**aliens exist:** Lol you guys are funny. Fuck Shittykawa. he Ate my noodles. He cries when he watches Toy story and peed the bed just last month. he alsdodfhgohjfingjfkfdgnjfgmkgfhg   
**aliens exist:** IGNORET THAT   
**shy dog:** omg yamaguchi-kun!! poor kid!   
**sweet potato:** whiah, i just samaked it with my palm so hard, the guyts are sitll on ymy palm, i fel invigorated   
**chicken meme:** that sounds vaguely homicidal, but i won’t judge you   
**chicken meme:** also, I need to talk to you yamaguchi   
**sweet potato:** IOH WIULD YOU LOOKDC AT THE TIME I'M LATE FOR MY HAWWAII TTRIP BUYE   
**yahaba-s:** is it bad I’m laughing   
**owlkaashi:** No, I am too.    
**chicken meme:** yamaguchi   
**aliens exist:** hes gone lol   
**chicken meme:** anyways   
**chicken meme:** i got stitches   
**chicken meme:** {inserting: three image files]   
**sweet potato:** OHOH MY GOD KMNA ARE OYIUJ OKAY HDID IT HIRT    
**yahaba-s:** this is cute in an adorable, innocent, slightly disgusting way.    
**yahaba-s:** but also, you just played yourself yamaguchi. now he knows you’re not gone   
**sweet potato:** sihit   
**sweet potato:** gotya ogo   
  
  
Yamaguchi called Tsukki again, except with FaceTime because they’re both Apple product bitches (also so Skype would say he’s offline) and he got a full view of his face as he waited for his best emo pal to accept the call.    
  
Dark eye bags, dead, pained eyes, eyebrows that he hadn’t brushed in a week (don’t judge him he really loves his eyebrows). Slightly swollen lips because he always forgets where he put his chapstick so he eats his goddamn salted popcorn and chips and [cut for length].    
  
And finally, the most eye-catching feature of them all. His three chins, looking somewhat like a winky frowny face with three right parenthesis (always frowning) (with three chins) ( ;())) ).   
  
Tsukki answered the facetime call after eight seconds of annoying ringing. He could see the blond’s angry, pursed lips and arched eyebrows (Tsukki has Kylie Jenner eyebrows and Yamaguchi really just wants to punch him in the gut and then shave his eyebrows so he has none and will cry like a baby in Kuroo’s arms while Yamaguchi rejoices, because HE will be the one in the first-years squad with perfect eyebrows. Fuck Hinata and Kageyama’s, theirs don't count because they don’t CARE about their brows).    
  
“What do you want,” Tsukishima asked him tonelessly. Yamaguchi could see a suitcase behind him on the bed, with a few t-shirts thrown in along with literally twelve dinosaur toys.    
  
“Are we both moving to Hawaii?” Yamaguchi asked. “Because I don’t want to live with you. No offense, but you take 30 minute showers, and I always have to pee-”   
  
“Why did you call?” Tsukishima sighed, pushing his glasses up his nose like he was stressed or something. Which didn’t make sense because if anyone should be stressed, it’s Yamaguchi because he's the one dealing with accidentally outing his crush TO HIS CRUSH. Or maybe it’s Oikawa, because it must take a lot of work in the mornings to put all his makeup and shit on to look like a model and not the real trashy boy he is.    
  
“Well, I just wanted to say that even if you went through an emo phase, we’re still friends.” Yamaguchi said in a fake, condescendingly sweet, therapist-like tone that he stole from his own therapist two years ago (bad days, bad days for Yamaguchi).    
  
Tsukishima was still Tsuffering, it seemed. The blond levelled a glare at Yamaguchi, who shook on his bed a little bit, and eventually spilled.    
  
“Okay! So, like, you know how I told you about the Kenma thing? Yeah, well, I’m gonna DIE because he said that he and I needed to talk! What if he calls me,” Yamaguchi’s voice lowered into a conspiratorial whisper, “a homosexual?”   
  
“Well he’d be right,” Tsukishima shrugged, staring off out his window.    
  
“TSUKKI!” Yamaguchi yelled, sounding scandalized even though he had no reason to be. “This is serious! What if he just doesn’t like me, or what if-”    
  
Yamaguchi was interrupted by Tsukishima’s unmanly scream as a ball of orange tackled him and sent him falling out of his computer chair.    
  
“Tsukishima-kun, your mom let me in! I’m waiting with Kageyama outside because we passed by, and well I thought ‘hey, we should totally ask if Tsukishima can tutor us!’ and Kageyama was like, ‘ew no that’s gross’ and so I defended your honor so please please pleeeeaaase tutor me in English! The test is Wednesday and I won’t get to play in practice if I score less than a 50!” Hinata begged Tsukishima. This wasn’t the first time the short boy had burst into someone’s house in a fit of desperation.    
  
Yamaguchi recalls the time he was stuck in his blankets and Hinata burst through the door, ready to get his unplanned studying on, but ended up laughing at Yamaguchi so much he fell and hit his head on the desk and passed out.    
  
Ah, yes. Good times.   
  
“I don’t care,” Tsukishima stated bluntly. “Now get out of my house or I will drop kick you out of the window.”    
  
“Stupidshima!” Hinata yelled petulantly, huffing and turning his head right towards the FaceTime call, but still not noticing Tsukishima’s phone with Yamaguchi’s dead eyes peering through it at them.    
  
“Heyo, Hinata.” Yamaguchi greeted like a truly cool kid, startling the ginger into jumping up high enough to kick Tsukishima in the face.    
  
He DID kick Tsukishima in the face, and that was the last Yamaguchi saw of them. The phone fell from its stand during Tsukishima’s wrath, but Yamaguchi heard Hinata’s frantic cries and screaming as the second story window opened (Yamaguchi has that sound committed in his memory from the one whole year where he snuck in Tsukki’s bedroom when they were young and kinda dating and gave each other lil’ smooches and cuddled. They broke up because Yamaguchi cried when Tsukki accidentally poked his nipple with a pencil and ignored him for three weeks).   
  
“TSUKISHIMA-KUN I’M SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN TO PLEASE-” Hinata screamed, and for a minute Yamaguchi thought his best, french-fry like blond friend would take pity on the very short, very unintelligent, very great jumping boy named Hinata.    
  
But he didn’t.    
  
“STOP DANGLING ME OUT THE WINDOW! I’M SCARED OF HEIGHTS!” Hinata yelled with fear in his voice. Yamaguchi decided Enough Was Enough and cleared his throat.    
  
“Um yes, Tsukki, please do not dangle him out the window, set him down on your bed pl-”    
  
“KAGEYAMA YOU’VE COME TO SAVE MEEEE!”    
  
Yamaguchi sighed and hung up. It was time to probably text Kenma.    
  
12:36 PM   
  
**aliens exist:** wheres my son   
**yahaba-s:** you don't have a son?   
**owlkaashi:** I think he is referring to Yamaguchi-kun.    
**yahaba-s:** oh yeah lol   
**shy dog:** guys I hate to change the topic but I need your help for five minutes I’m going on a date with Kiyoko-senpai and idk where but she said to dress casually?? what do I wear I have five outfits that I’m choosing from    
**shy dog:** [inserting: three image files]   
**aliens exist:** tHE SEOCND DRESS IN THE FIRST PICTURE MAKES U LOOK BANGIN   
**aliens exist:** also, ;) wear LACE ;)   
**shy dog:** uum    
**shy dog:** all my lacey stuff isn in the washer ohn no   
**shy dog:** GIYS DO U THINK MY UNDIES WITH PUPPIES ON IT WILL BE CUTE ENOUGH FOR HER IH GOD WHAT ID SHE DOESN'T LIKW ME AFTER SEINGM E IN THIS DRRES I'M UGLY IN IT OH GOD I'M GONNA PUKE   
**sweet potato:** NNOTI ONN MY WATCH NACHOYACHOYACHI    
**sweet potato:** SECOND PICTURE SKIRT AND TSHIRT BRINGS OUT UR EYES   
**sweet potato:** ADN ONE TIME I WORE boxers wit smiklin hambefgers on them and tsukki still wanted 2 smash (when we dated) and we didn't smssh bc sexc xis kidna eh fer me aldo we were 13 BIT THE POITN IS IF SHE LKES U ENUUGH SHE WON'T CARE ABT UR UNDERWAER   
**shy dog:** tHANK U OMG LOVE U YAMAGUCHUI    
**chicken meme:** ...you and tsukishima dated?   
**sweet potato:** um ya but   
**sweet potato:** je stabned me in the nipper wit a pencil so i ignored him 4 three weeks and broke up wihh him for it   
**aliens exist:** ‘nipper’ U CUTE LILTTLE CHILD YAMACHAN AH LOV U   
**yahaba-s:** do you mean nipple?   
**sweet potato:** sotp juging me for y mtyping skils   
  
  
12:49 PM    
  
**chicken meme:** kuro i'm ready to kill myself please write my will and suicide note for me i'm very dependant on you also tell my mom that those cookies she made a few years ago tasted like complete and utter shit and i was on the toilet for three hours after eating them. and make sure yamaguchi gets my cat. and tell yamaguchi that while i never wanted to fuck him i wanted to cuddle with him forever and i love him and hes very cute and pretty and has very nice legs in a non-sexual way and i love his freckles and his arms too and his smile, shit his smile is so pretty i love him but i am willing to die r ight now r i g h t now i'm gona hang myself   
**Kurocat:** why kiddo (also your gay is showing)   
**chicken meme:** i'm not your son (I know) and also because yamaguchi dated tsukishima and i am sickeningly in love with him and he might still like your boyfriend and that pisses me off a lot and kind of makes me want to drown myself in a toilet   
**Kurocat:** o ya i remember tsukki telin me about dat lololol   
**Kurocat:** i used to be jealous but not anymore   
**Kurocat:** andthtas disgustin at least drown yourseldi n a bathtub   
**chicken meme:** thanks kuro you always know how to make me feel better   
**Kurocat:** <3 i know :-* anyways i'm pretty sure tsukki just like killed ur oragne shrimpychan hinata so u might wanna check on him   
  
12:58 PM   
  
**chicken meme:** leave shouyou alone or ill call my mom and have her call ur mom and she’ll yell at you   
**Tsukishima Kei:** Is this Kozume-senpai?    
**chicken meme:** ...no   
**Tsukishima Kei:** Anyways, Hinata is fine, unfortunately. Kageyama came in and saved the fair maiden just like a King would.    
**Tsukishima Kei:** But why would my mom yelling at me be some sort of punishment? Are you one of those people who cry when someone raises their voice at you?   
**chicken meme:** you win this round tsukishima but i swear i will get revenge.    
**Tsukishima Kei:** I’ll be waiting.   
  
1:06 PM/1:06   
  
**chicken meme:** so kuro i'm tired of all this drama in my life. like. i'm about ready to just say to hell with it with my anxiety and message yamaguchi and tell him my feelings. i am jus tso fuckin done bein scared and anxious for today. you would not believe how annoying it gets.   
**Kurocat:** Well my sweet son i thinkt ahts the best decision you could ever make. Embrace yourself, you are you. Don't be afraid because he likes you too so mcuhc. gtg tsukki send nudes. yank yonk my wink wonk if u kno wat i mean.    
**chicken meme:** why are we friends   
  
1:15 PM/1:15   
**chicken meme:** yamaguchi   
**chicken meme:** i have to tell you something   
**sweet potato:** OGHOF OM SORRY I DIDN MIEAN TO ET A CRUSH ON U IT JSUT AHPPEN UR HSUT SO CUTE O MSRORY DOTNT HATE MEI CHARISH OUR FRENDSHIP   
**chicken meme:** actually i was gonna tell you i think i'm in love with you   
**chicken meme:** lol   
**sweet potato:** are you messing with me or are you serious   
**chicken meme:** i'm serious    
**sweet potato:** GOD TRIES ME SO MUCH AND THEN HE GIVES ME THE BEST GIFT OF ALL OMG GOD BLESS    
**sweet potato:** uh so what happens after this   
**chicken meme:** idk also why are you typing weirdly? did tsukishima take ur phone?   
**sweet potato:** sometimes i type better when extremely happy also i have to make sure nothing gets mistranslated from my bad typin skills   
**chicken meme:** so i sent screenshots to kuro and asked him what to do and he said for me to ask you out so like do u wanna go out   
**chicken meme:** i want to   
**sweet potato:** UERS YES I WANT O OYTOY SO OBADLY PELASE I WNAT TO DATE SOM UCH I WNAR TO DATE U SO MCH I LVOVE YOU   
**chicken meme:** ok so i asked kuro what to do next and he said we’re dating and to be happy about it so. i'm happy.    
**chicken meme:** but he said to go over some ground rules so one. i'm asexual i don't like sex its not for me hope it doesn't bother you. two. i love attention and physical affection from certain people so. send me compliments and ask all about my day and how i’ve been. three. please braid my hair.  plea s e.    
**sweet potato:** OG OHKAY UM ILLRESIOND TO THISE osokoko so idont care for sex much like i ould stil have it but? don't care for it mihc reaklly um 2 literaly same i will 4ever ask u evertygn and three i know how to even braid hair with 5 sectins of hair! i will braid u r hair forgever! also tell kuroo thank u because id ont know how to relationship (ive nverr been nin one before)   
**sweet potato:** now MY rules. uogoo 1! pls don't date any1 else. 2 don't eat my fries. 3 i dnont habe anthtihn elsei think besdes pls don't mess with my art supplies idf u come over (IDF YOU WANTN OT COME OVER OF COURSERI M NOT TELLING YU OTO) lijke u cna lok at my drawwing books but pls don tuouch my paint   
**sweet potato:** also don't like other guys phtoso on social media if theyre cuter than me (evryone bascly) or i'm cry   
**chicken meme:** but you’re really cute. also kuro makes me like everyone’s pictures (since i use his account) so i can't guarantee that. but i really like youre instagram feed. very aesthetic pictures.   
**sweet potato:** GOGH T HIANK U i lov urs and kuroos too (v cute pics of ya)   
**sweet potato:** om stil kikndda in shokc that iyu actualy like me   
**chicken meme:** same   
**chicken meme:** ok i lied i have my own account i have a memepage   
**sweet potato:** !!! ;0 !! thats os cool!!    
**sweet potato:** ohoh i gtg now!! my mom mde me lunch!   
**chicken meme:** okay bye    
**sweet potato:** bye!!!! ttys!! <3    
**chicken meme:** …<3   
  
  
1:34 PM/1:34   
  
**sweet potato:** OIKAWKIA SENPAI I M DATINF KENMA   
**aliens exist:** HLELL YAEAH YAMACHAN!! COME OVER TO MY HIUSE TO DCLEPBRATE   
**sweet potato:** biut om esting a pb &j sanwich right now   
**aliens exist:** SLEP  OVER    
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tsukishimas warped tour adventure is based off a tumblr post i saw lolololol
> 
>  
> 
> give me attetnion givee me kudos and comments and bookmarks and subscriptions imso thirsty 4 attention and praise (me lol {das me saying me lol})
> 
> also i Cannot Handle Criticism so dont be mean in comments pls thnk <3 yall
> 
> ALSO IMPORTANT: im so uncreative and i like hearin from yall so if theres somethin specific u wanna see in this fic ( i was actualy thinking about addin in the memeteam) then tell me in a comment (this isnt me bein thirsty 4 comments its me bein thirsty 4 ideas its like all my ideas were water in a well and i drank it and pissed it all out lolol) anyways yeah i might not be able 2 add it all in lolololol (if yall even want smthn specific addedin) but i can TRY heart yalls see ya


	7. fuck bitches get money

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the events leading to A Sleepover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, after disappearing for more than a year: hey whats up 
> 
> ALSO: format for texting will be changed with this chapter. it's not much, but i've stopped bolding the usernames and started to space out each message.

2:04 PM/14:04

sweet potato: waot os do yiu acutaly wante me to selep over????

aliens exist: WHY OG COURSE YAMAHCAN ヽ (^ ∀ ^) ノ

sweet potato: oh okat whn

aliens exist: NOW

sweet potato: :o oaky!

sweet potato: os it just g ona eb me ther??

aliens exist: um can i invite iwaa-cahn?? also makki and matssun!!!!

sweet potato: U H YAEHS SHURE

aliens exist: okiay thnaks yaam-chan!!

  
Oikawa smiled as he stared out the window. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and he had just showered, so he didn't feel like the Sweat Monster™ that Iwaizumi used to tease him about when they were younger.

“If you don’t shower, the Sweat Monster comes to you in your sleep and licks up all the fluids in your body through your pores, leaving you a dried, dead shell. You’ll look uglier than normal.”

“IWA-CHAN, HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?! YOU KNOW I’M SCARED OF HORROR-”

“That’s the point, Oikawa.”

He decided to text two of his best friends and his boyfriend.

SEIJOH THIRD YEARS HELLA GROUP CHAT

 

  
aliens exist: HI GIYS PARTY AT MY PLACE

makkironi: and so thats hte story of how i got high on a plane and got kicked off it in america

aliens exist: waht

aliens exist: makki you are so full of shit you liteerally toldm e that you didn't get kicked of the plane you just got off when they made a pitstop and didn't know u weren't at ur grandmas town’s airport

makkironi: um no you cock :) they kicked me off for being too baller :)

mattsonicblast: its ok babie i belibe u

godzilla4ever: youre so full of shit makki. Lol

godzilla4ever: Whens the party trashykawa

aliens exist: :D IWAXHAN CAERS ABOUT ME

aliens exist: also ints like now btw

aliens exist: get eher quick or i'm eating all rh oreaos

mattsonicblast: fuck ic ant find my bob duncan dildo

mattsonicblast: i can't come without it

makkironi: dw babe i have it u left it here remember

mattsonicblast: oh dam ya lol

makkironi: babe ill pick you up

makkironi: be redy

mattsonicblast: oh u know i'm always ready 4 u ;)

godzilla4ever: You two are absolutely disgusting

aliens exist: I DODNT THIN KYOU GUYS A UTALLY USED THE DILDO I GABE IT AS A MOCK GIFT WHAT THE FUKC THA T S SO WEIRD

mattsonicblast: lol

mattsonicblast: but u spent so much money on it so why wouldn't we use it :) it’s certainly better than my left foot :)

aliens exist: wat h te achuatal FUCK mattsun

godzilla4ever: Alright i'm here . Open your front doot

godzilla4ever: oh god no

godzilla4ever: door

godzilla4ever: D O O R

mattsonicblast: doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot

makkironi: swaging out bye my ballers B) b redy bbie i'm on me way

mattsonicblast: B) got my luub redy babie ::)

 

  
Oikawa locked his phone and raced down the stairs to open his front door, throwing his phone on the couch in the heat of the moment. He pranced towards it, pulling it open and attempting to jump into the arms of his muscled, thicc Iwa-chan.

However, Iwaizumi curved him and walked into the house, letting Oikawa fall onto the cold, unforgiving wooden porch with no regret.

“Where are the Oreos?” He called out from inside. Oikawa assumed he was looking around the kitchen.

Oikawa groaned from his spot on the ground and picked himself up, dusting his shirt to get rid of the crusty-ass dirt that had caked the wood (his family really needed to clean more smh). He stomped into the house, through the living room, and to the kitchen, where his asshole boyfriend was rummaging through the pantry and cupboards for Oreos.

“Iwa-chan, for one, I feel betrayed. You just let me fall-” Oikawa had his pointer finger in the air, his nose upturned as he began his rant.

His phone cut him off. It was his Skype ringtone. Forgetting his asshole boyfriend, he sprinted out of the kitchen and lunged for the couch, falling onto the coffee table in the process and hitting his shin on the edge of it.

“Jesus motherfucking CHRIST!” He let out a small scream. Iwaizumi cackled from the pantry, still looking for the Oreos. Jokes on him, because Oikawa ate them all.

But whatever, fuck Oreos for the moment. Since Oikawa dropped his phone in the bath a few months ago, he’d only hear like, one out of every several messages ring. In this case, his phone only dinged for one message when there was twenty. What a fucking piece of shit phone.

 

  
sweet potato: akaashi-senpai

sweet potato: should i keep auto-correct on

owlkaashi: Yes.

sweet potato: but!! it doesn't show who i truly am!!

owlkaashi: But at least we can read what you type.

yahaba-s: hey now, I can read what he types about 90% of the time. It just takes a bit of deciphering.

chicken meme: unpopular opinion but i would rather you not use autocorrect because i like how you type

sweet potato: KNEMA YOU RE OS CTUE

chicken meme: thx u too

chicken meme: sorry was that too dismissive i’ve never been in a relationship before

sweet potato: :D ots jsut fine!!!

sweet potato: AITO COREECT FOF

yahaba-s: hey guys serious question sorry to change the topic but

yahaba-s: if I, hypothetically, would like to take a dick and vibrator up my ass at the same time, would the vibrator be pushed into my intestines and to my stomach or would I just feel very, very full?

chicken meme: what the fuck

chicken meme: i don't even like sex but i know this is some weird shit

owlkaashi: At this point, I’m not even surprised.

owlkaashi: But I assume you’re asking because you intend on trying? I hope your boyfriend’s dick isn't too large.

sweet potato: ehat hte hecl

sweet potato: wnot it jsut fleel weeird

yahaba-s: I’m feeling somewhat kink-shamed rn so I’m gonna go

aliens exist: YAAM-CAHN YO SYHOUDL BE ON YOUR WAY TO MY HOUSE

aliens exist: EHY AREIY OU IN THE GROYP CHAT

sweet potato: ONM SO SROORY BUT YYOU DIDNT TELE ME UYOR ADRRES ANDI WAS TO SACARED TO ASK

aliens exist: ojh lol

 

  
“Dumbass,” Iwaizumi said with a snort from his shoulder, having moved to read over the text messages like the nosy asshole he was.

Oikawa let out an undignified, high pitched screech and dropped his phone. It fell to the floor and clattered as it touched the wood.

They were both silent.

“If my phone screen is cracked,” Oikawa started, his voice holding a foreign calm that Iwaizumi barely ever saw on him unless he was on the court, “you’re buying me a new one.”

He picked it off the ground shakily, stared at it for thirteen seconds, and wailed.

Right on the side of the screen, there was a tiny scratch, not big enough to be noticed unless you knew about it.

“IWA-CHAN, YOU FUCKING MONSTER!” He yell-cried, staring at his broken phone. “YOU RUINED MY PHONE!”

Iwaizumi stared at his boyfriend, unimpressed and done with his shit.

“No I didn’t,” Iwaizumi stated calmly. “You’re the one who dropped it. Take responsibility for your actions, Shittykawa.”

“OH, WHY YOU-” Oikawa screeched and turned around to kick, maybe punch his boyfriend, but then thought better of it because if he did he was gonna get his ass whooped.

“You should probably apologize for yelling at me, too,” Iwaizumi continued, moving to throw himself on the couch. He grabbed the remote and turned the TV on, laying back and reclining in the end couch’s chair with his arms behind his head, looking as relaxed as ever. Kinda smug, too, like a cat that stole a fish from the small tank in the house it lived in and ate it. Smug like that. You know.

Oikawa stole the remote from the couch and threw it at his crotch.

 

  
aliens exist: giuys,, iwahacn bROKE my phne!!!

yahaba-s: did he? why?

sweet potato: o NO SI IT OJAY

chicken meme: one time kuroo and i decided to drop our phones off the school roof

chicken meme: to test our otter boxes

chicken meme: i had to get a new phone  
aliens exist: KENMACHNA WHY OWOULD YOU EBEN DO THAT

chicken meme: the aesthetic

aliens exist: SYOP IT FOCIS ON ME ROINGHT NOW

aliens exist: OIM GOING TOHROUGH A CRISIS NAD I CSNT EBEN READ MY OHPONE SCREN BECOSUSE ME TEARS

sweet potato: DNOT WORIY OIKAWA SNEPAI I WILL BE THER ESOOON

sweet potato: asolo quiuck wusetiong why dony owe ever do viveo cals ieve done af ew with oookawa sepnai but thants it

chicken meme: well for one

chicken meme: i would probably decline it because i'm ugly

chicken meme: for two

chicken meme: i don't have a two

yahaba-s: well in all fairness it would probably lag a lot

owlkaashi: I don’t want to video call you guys. You’re very loud, and Bokuto-san has broken my headphones for the third time this year

sweet potato: KNEMA YOU ARE N O T UGKY !!!!! YUORE CUTE ADN ADORIABLE AND PRESCIOIUS AND I WNAT TO CIUDDLE YOU AND KISS YOU FOREVER

chicken meme: thats gay

owlkaashi: Oh my god.

chicken meme: but same tbh

chicken meme: i mean i wanna do that stuff to you, not myself

 

  
Hanamaki pulled up to Matsukawa’s house, parked in the driveway, and pulled his phone out of his pocket, calling his babe.

“Hey, sweaty,” He said as soon as Matsukawa answered. “I’m here. Come outside.” He whispered seductively. He hung up his phone, shoving it back in his pocket and waited patiently for his sweathart to get the fuck out of bed.

At last, Matsukawa emerged, pulling up his sweatpants. Hanamaki saw a hint of his pink boxers and licked his lips, tasting the after-taste of the cheetos he ate for breakfast and lunch. Matsukawa looked really good in pink.

“Get in, baby!” He called to his hot boyfriend, leaning out the door window. Matsukawa stared at the car in shock, bringing a hand up to his mouth in awe.

He ran towards the car, hopping in without opening the door (like they do in the movies with the topless cars). His legs smacked Hanamaki in the face, but that was okay. Hanamaki was blessed to be touched by such a god.

“How...How did you get a car like this?” Matsukawa asked as they backed out of the driveway.

“It’s my sister’s. She’s at a friend’s house and won't be back until tomorrow,” Hanamaki replied evenly, keeping his eyes on the road and his hands at ten and two. Matsukawa let out an ‘Ah’ sound and nodded his head.

They continued rolling down the street like true thugs, illegally driving at the age of seventeen, without an adult or their license. But it was okay. There wasn’t much traffic, and of the existing drivers, most avoided them for some odd reason.

“Hey,” Matsukawa said as they drove out of the neighborhood at a very leisurely pace. “Can I drive when we get to Oinks’ road?”

Even though they both knew Matsukawa had no experience driving anything, Matsukawa still asked and Hanamaki still considered it.

“Hmm,” Hanamaki pondered, bringing a hand to his chin in a thoughtful position. “I suppose, yes.” He conceded. Matsukawa smirked.

“It’s gonna be the best damn ride you’ll ever have,” He said, except he’s wrong because the best damn ride he’ll ever have is on Matsukawa’s dick.

“Hey sweathart, can you turn on the radio?” Hanamaki asked after a few moments of silence.

“Yeah, sure babiedoll,” Matsukawa grinned and pressed a button, and Barbie tunes flowed through the music player.

“Ugh,” Hanamaki groaned. “I hate that song. It’s always playing, which sucks when I take the car out at three am for some McDonalds, yaknow? The neighbors call my parents and complain sometimes, which sucks, because I get grounded.”

“Yeah, babiedoll,” Matsukawa whispered solemnly. “I know.”

  
“Yama-chan, glad you could make it!” Oikawa greeted Yamaguchi at the front door with red-rimmed eyes and cheeks tear-streaked from crying.

“I, uh, I’m glad to, um, be here!” He said shakily, staring at Iwaizumi’s fierce scowl in slight terror. The buff male was killing Oikawa with his eyes and holding a bag of ice to his dick. He, too, had tear tracks on his face.

Yamaguchi didn’t really want to know what happened. Well, he did, but he was also scared to hear it.

“Come on, Iwa-chan, say hi to my best friend Yama-chan!” Oikawa said forcefully through clenched teeth. He grabbed Yamaguchi’s arm somewhat painfully and closed the door behind him. Yamaguchi barely had time to toe his shoes off and drop his bag by the wall before he was being forced to sit down on the couch next to Iwaizumi.

“‘Hi to my best friend Yama-chan’,” Iwaizumi parroted in a falsetto high pitched voice.

Oikawa took in a deep breath and plastered a fake smile on his face. “You know what?” He said, laughing fakely and forcefully, trying his best not to whoop his boyfriend’s ass, even though he knew he would get slam dunked into a fucking garbage can if he tried. “You’re not my friend anymore, Iwa-chan, or should I say... Iowa-chan?”

They were silent for a few minutes, until Iwaizumi spoke up, spitting words of truth.

“Isn't that a continent in Mexico?” He asked, eyebrows furrowed. He didn't seem to care that Oikawa was being a pissbaby and denounced their friendship.

“I. . .” Yamaguchi said with a grimace. He didn’t know how to respond. “I don't think so,”

“Oh.” Iwaizumi shrugged nonchalantly, and probably would have looked cooler if he didn't have those crying streaks on his face and a bag of melting ice on his dick, turning the cloth around it dark from the water leaking.

“Makki and Mattsun messaged me, they said they’ll be pulling up soon in Makki’s sister’s car, so we should go wait for them.” Oikawa cut through the awkward silence. Yamaguchi stood up, ready to go wait for the two, but Iwaizumi pulled his body back down onto the couch.

“What,” Yamaguchi said, more in shock than anything else.

“Please help me up,” He whispered into Yamaguchi’s ear.

Oh. Okay. It made sense, kind of. Oikawa has a killer serve, and he probably smacked that remote so hard that Iwaizumi’s dick and balls broke or something. If Yamaguchi was in the same position, he’d probably be crying. But he cries a lot, so.

“Alright,” Yamaguchi whispered back, and, waiting when Oikawa turned his back, he stood up and pulled Iwaizumi up with him. He figured Iwaizumi wouldn’t want Oikawa to know how much he was in pain.

Iwaizumi grimaced and shuffled forward, using Yamaguchi as support.

“Don't tell Shittykawa about this,” He muttered gruffly. “Don't want him getting ideas about his strength.”

“Oh, uh, yeah, got it, don't worry dude.”

The two made their way to Oikawa’s front porch, and took a seat on the swing. Oikawa continued to tap at his phone with his manicured nails, and besides the clicking sound, all was silent. Oikawa lived on a dead-end road, with only a few houses close to it, and most of them were old ladies (besides the Iwaizumi family) and so. You could normally hear anything down there.

Yamaguchi picked up the sound of a high-pitched voice, and two male voices yelling and laughing and disturbing the peace. There was also a hint of something else, but. Yamaguchi couldn’t hear it enough to say what it was. “Is. . . Is that Barbie?” He whispered, narrowing his eyes in confusion. “Who would be listening to Barbie?”

“BAD BITCHES IN THE CLUB, PUTCHA HANDS UP,” A loud shout came from down the road, too far to see who. But Yamaguchi took a wild guess and figured the noise was coming from dumb and dumber.

“Hey, that’s them!” Oikawa perked up, though he didn’t look up from his phone.

“Oh my fucking god, what the fuck,” Iwaizumi said in shock, staring at the hot pink children’s barbie car going down the road at .25 miles per hour.

“What,” Yamaguchi said, staring at the car. Hanamaki and Matsukawa were both wearing black shades, and it seemed like one of them was playing American trap-rap over the Barbie tunes. Yamaguchi could a little bit relate to that (sometimes he would play My Heart Will Go On recorder version over Tsukishima’s emo tunes).

“They’re both uninvited, I’m done,” Oikawa muttered, standing up from the porch and going inside. He probably lifted his head, saw the Twin Disappointments™, and decided he wasn’t putting up with their shit today.

“Come back, Babiedoll!” Matsukawa called loudly as he pulled into the driveway, accidentally driving into the grass and running over a few planted flowers in the process. They crashed into a large potted plant and the car tipped to the side, falling down. The two fell out of the car, and Yamaguchi was pretty sure their glasses broke from hitting the ground. Also, the car was irreversibly damaged (there was literally pottery sticking out of the front and Yamaguchi knew that surely you can't send in a power wheeler car thing to get fixed. Probably).

Yamaguchi and Iwaizumi witnessed their bloody, gruesome deaths.

“Fuck!” Hanamaki screeched in panic. “My sister is going to kill me!”

“Babiedoll,” Matsukawa let out a quiet sob. “My legs. . . They’re. . . Broken. . .” The two boys sobbed into each other’s arms. The phone was still playing trap-rap and got to the section where the rapper objectified women.

“So, uh,” Yamaguchi broke the silence. “Should we, like, leave them, or?”

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi struggled to stand up. “Let’s just go.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... to all the readers from last year, i just wanna say im so sorry for not updating this sooner. i had most of this chapter written in january, but at the time, i lost interest in haikyuu and this fanfiction, which led me to not finishing it or posting anything in general. because of the 10 month time frame between writing this and other stories, i'd like to say my writing has gotten a bit better, and i'm submerging myself back into haikyuu fanfiction again. so from now on, i'm going to alternate between editing the pre-existing chapters of this fic, and writing new ones, because this fic is essentially my baby and i love it + each and every single person who has left feedback on it. and those who liked this don't deserve to be left hanging. im now a sophomore in high school, but when i started writing this, i wasn't a highschooler yet, and it brings me so many happy memories of how immature, cringey, young, and generally inexperienced as a writer i was that i still recall this piece of shit fondly. so, saying that, hello to the one reader from before who is still reading, who stuck with this fic through the time i transitioned from age 13 to 14 (my Ages of Embarrassment), and throughout the inevitable cringeyness and bad writing. i love you. thank you.
> 
> also, im so sorry for each previous chapter and the choppiness of my writing. i plan to edit all 55 pages of this story within the rest of the month, and then add 10 more for the next chapter. i have the habit of starting a story and never finishing it, but i hope that doesn't happen with this fic. and when i say to message me and tell me to step up my game, i seriously mean it. guilt trip me into writing another chapter, if need be. lol. anyways, i'll try to post again as soon as possible. and if anyone wants to talk to me outside of comments, then uhhh comment and i'll give you my social media (i don't want to leave it in a note in case a friend miraculously stumbles across the unedited version of this fic and sees it lol) so to end this message, i love u all, and this fanfic is permanently off the unofficial hiatus i placed it on.

**Author's Note:**

> leave me comments and kudos and bookmarks and subscribe to this fic becos im a thirsty hoe and my water is feedback


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